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Ep #168: Moving Beyond Victim Mentality After Divorce | Becoming You Again Podcast

What if moving beyond the pain of divorce could lead you to an entirely new level of empowerment? In this transformative episode of "Becoming You Again," we unpack the intricate process of breaking free from a victim mindset. You will learn crucial steps to take to move beyond the victim mentality while still acknowledging and validating your experiences without blame.  Each step plays a vital role in reclaiming your power, setting you up for a more resilient life post-divorce.

Your divorce journey is about recognizing and stepping into your personal power, fostering growth, and rebuilding self-trust. Those things can be difficult to do when you stay in victim mentality. Tune in to discover how small mindset shifts can lead to monumental transformations post-divorce.

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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

Featured on this episode:

  1. Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.

  2. Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.

  3. Want to work first hand with Karin so you can stop worrying about what your life will be like after divorce, and instead begin making it amazing today? Click here to schedule a consult to find out more about working 1:1 with Karin as your coach.

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Full Episode Transcript:

You know, when you're going through something really hard like a divorce, and you just wish that you had that thing, that someone, that person who knew exactly what to say and when to say it, when you were having a really hard day or something challenging, or you were feeling really crappy and you just didn't know how to not feel that way anymore and you just really wanted that person to tell you how to help you, to give you the support that you needed. Well, this podcast is that for you. This is Becoming you Again. It's the podcast for women who are thinking about divorce, going through a divorce or who are divorced. I'm your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 168. I'm your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 168. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast.


My lovely friends, I have been thinking about this topic that I'm going to talk about today in the podcast for quite a while, and I think it's a really important one, and I also, just as I'm going through this podcast, I want you to know that I recognized that this is a very nuanced and, at times, complicated topic to be discussing, and I don't want to overstep any bounds, but I do think it's really important to understand the mindset behind this and you're going to know exactly how this fits in and just like five seconds when I tell you what the topic is. But I just want you to know I understand that it is nuanced, it can be complicated, and take it or leave it, whatever you will, as with all of my topics that I talk about, and just know that you are loved, that you are so much stronger than you think or believe about yourself in every, in every case Like I promise you in every case and you got this you're going to get through your divorce and come out the other side so much stronger, believing and seeing your capabilities. And so there you go. That's my little soapbox moment for this podcast. But today I am talking about moving beyond being a victim, and this is where I want you to remember that this is a very nuanced topic, because there are going to be times in your life you might even be in one right now where you are being a victim, where you are a victim, you are being victimized by someone. There is an abuser and you are the victim of that abuse, in whatever form that takes. Okay, this podcast is not about invalidating that, telling you that you're making it up, telling you that you're wrong, telling you that it's your fault. No, we are not going to any of that. We are not believing any of that, because none of that is true.


Okay, if you have been a victim, if you are currently a victim, or if you believe that at some point you were a victim to some type of abuse during your marriage, during a relationship, during your childhood, even like this, you know, this could even apply to things that have happened really far in your past, but we are not discounting that at all. And so this is my very first tip when it comes to being able to move beyond being a victim is that we are going to not invalidate but rather validate the fact that you are a victim. You were a victim, okay, and you have to decide, obviously, which, if it's in the past or if it's currently happening, I don't know because I don't know you, but you will know. So we're not going to downplay what has happened to you. It's very possible, probable even that if you are going through a divorce, or if you're thinking about it, or if you've gone through a divorce, that you were mistreated, you were put down, you were in many cases abused in many different ways, and there are lots of different types of abuse. I have done an entire podcast on just abuse. But the very first step to being able to move beyond that label victim is recognizing and validating that it did happen, that it is happening. You are a victim, you were a victim. That is real, it happened and we are not going to take that away from you or blame you for it.


Okay, and so when you can step into recognizing that, this is the next step is being able to open up to healing from being victimized, in whatever form. You were victimized. And that can look a lot of different ways. Right, it can look like therapy. In some way, it can look like trauma therapy. Even it might be as deep as you need some trauma therapy, some trauma coaching, some specialized help. In that way, it can look like another form of coaching grief coaching. It can look like getting on medication of some kind and obviously you would need to go to your doctor for that and or your psychiatrist or your therapist can recommend medications. You can go to support groups, you can do yoga, movement, somatic coaches there are so many different forms of support as you are healing from being victimized in whatever form you were victimized that you can take on, that you can step into so that you can heal yourself to be able to move forward. And so where this podcast comes in is after some of that healing has happened.


Okay, because it's once you've done some of that healing for yourself and reconnection to you and to your own intuition. That's when you are at the point where you get to choose intentionally If you want to leave the label of victim in the past, and we're going to tell you why this is really important. Recognizing that you were a victim is really important because it tells you that you are not bad or wrong or caused this in some way. And then healing, some reconnecting with yourself and intentionally choosing to leave the label of victim in the past, and this is on whatever timeline. It works for you right. There's no like, right or wrong timeline of how long this takes to get to that place.


But once you get to that place, where you get to intentionally choose, you start to recognize how staying in victim mentality will continue to keep you stuck and repeating cycles of feeling terrible, of not being able to move forward, of continuing to wear that label around which is in some ways, allowing your abuser to continue to victimize you through the beliefs that you have about yourself, through the story that you have about yourself. In many ways, when you continue to carry around the label or the stigma of being a victim, you continue to feel like you have no control over your own life or your choices moving forward. You continue to feel victimized over and over which feels terrible, which is so heart-wrenching and so heartbreaking. You cannot step into your own power to make choices and move forward and when you stay in a victim mindset or a victimized mindset, it makes it very difficult to show up as the person you want to be, because there is so much focus and emphasis on the other person, the person who victimized you, and how they showed up or how they're continuing to show up, that you forget to put your focus back on you and what you can control in your life.


And this is where I really want to reiterate again leaving the label of victim in the past does not mean that you are just letting your abuser off the hook. It does not mean that you are forgiving them or dismissing their actions or what they did to you. It also does not mean that you are saying that you caused the abuse to happen or that you were condoning the abuse, or that it's your fault that the abuse happened. No, none of this. When you leave that label of victim behind, that doesn't mean any of that. That victimizer, that abuser, that person who hurt you will always be held accountable for their actions in some form.


We don't know exactly what that's going to look like. It may not always be in the justice form that we have set up in the world right, in whatever that looks like, like jail time, paying for it in some way that we can see but they will always have to carry that around with them that they treated you or did things to you that were terrible in some way, and we're going to leave that in their hands and we're going to take back what we can control. That is where the focus needs to be. We are focusing on what is in your control, and the reason we do that is because that is the literally only thing moving forward that you have control over right. You have control over you how you think about yourself, how you see yourself, how you talk to yourself. Even in moments where, if you're in an abusive relationship and you just don't see a way of getting out at this point, of leaving the situation, you still get to learn how to have control over how you think about yourself, how you see yourself and how you talk to yourself, which in some cases, may help you figure out a way to get out of the situation, if that's what is needed, if that is what is necessary.


As most of you know, I live in Utah and I think it was in the mid nineties, could have been. I could have the date wrong on this. I didn't look it up actually before I started recording this podcast, but there was a young girl named Elizabeth Smart who lived in the Salt Lake area, who was abducted from her home when she was 14 years old. You may have heard about this story it's pretty national news but she was taken from her home in the middle of the night and then kept and abused and victimized over and over and over again for nine months until she was found. After she got home, she was reunited with her parents, her family. After that nine months and she was at home and her mother gave her some incredible advice that she has talked about in many interviews since that and she has since become this incredible woman and activist, and if you don't know anything about this story or you don't know about her, you should definitely do some research. She is an incredible woman and is doing so much to help women step into their power and live their lives for them. But I digress. What I wanted to point out is this advice that her mother gave her.


The morning that she returned, her mother said, and I quote Elizabeth, what these people have done to you is terrible, and there aren't words strong enough to describe how wicked and evil they are. They've stolen nine months of your life from you that you will never get back, but the best punishment you could ever give them is to be happy, is to live your life, is to move forward and do all the things that you want to do, because by feeling sorry for yourself and holding onto the past and reliving it over and over and over again. That's only allowing them to steal more of your life away from you, and they don't deserve that. They don't deserve another single second more of your life. So you be happy and you move forward. End of quote.


And what's really fascinating about this and Elizabeth talks about this and she's talked about this for many, many years she said that when she got into court and she looked at those people in the face that man especially and the woman that they had no power over her. They no longer held any power over how she felt, what she felt emotionally and what she felt she could do in her life, what she was capable of doing. And I want you to think about how powerful she must have felt walking into that courtroom, knowing that they no longer controlled her emotional life. They no longer controlled if she was happy or sad or angry or rejected or victimized or abused. They no longer had control over what was going on in her head and what she thought about herself and how she saw herself. So that is such a great example of not continuing to allow this label of being a victim to victimize you in some way, to hold you back in some way to take utter control over your emotional life any longer.


And so how do we do this? How do we move beyond being the victim or using that label or continuing to find ourselves in that place where we're victimizing ourselves over and over again? One of the most important things that we can do, I think. If acknowledging how you've been hurt and victimized feels cleansing and helpful and it feels like it's propelling you forward, then do that, like acknowledge it, and then decide where you want to go from there. If the healing that you are doing for yourself feels right and it feels true and it feels resonant, then keep moving in that direction, keep doing those things, keep doing the somatic practices, keep supporting yourself, keep giving yourself love and compassion in whatever ways that looks like. But I also want to point out that this healing journey that you're going to go on as you are learning to leave being a victim in the past, it doesn't mean that all of that healing and all of that acknowledgement is going to feel good, is going to feel great. You're going to feel amazing and joyful, like. That isn't necessarily what healing feels like right, but you can tell the difference between healing where you are moving beyond the label of victim, where you are moving forward, where you are propelling yourself toward something good and stepping into your power, because you're going to feel lighter, you're going to feel more cleansed, you are going to feel stronger, you're going to feel more trusting of yourself, you're going to feel that sense of moving forward.


And if you continue to stay in the victim mentality, you are going to feel re-abused in your mind. You are going to continue to hold on to that story of what has happened to you and you're going to feel out of control. You're going to feel stuck. You will continue to victimize yourself over and over again in your head and it's going to hold you back in some way, and it's not. It's going to hold you back in some way, and it's not. It's going to feel different than the pain that comes with healing. And then the next step that you can do is to start to recognize what is within your control and then step into that power.


We all have power within us and many women overlook our own power. We diminish it, we decide that we aren't able to step into that power because it's just not within us and it's just not true. So what thoughts do you have that feel limiting, that feel victimizing, that feel like you aren't able to step into that power, that feel like you're being held back? What are those thoughts that you're believing about yourself? Write some down, identify one or two that you want to work on replacing that you want to stop believing that. You are tired of holding onto even what are some of those thoughts that feel really terrible when you think them about yourself, when you believe them about yourself?


And let's come up with something new that feels a little better, that feels a little more true, that feels a little more cleansing, that feels a little more healing. And I want you to know that it's again. There's no timeline to this and it's okay If you need to do this in baby steps. We're not going from. You're the worst type of a human, you caused this to, you're amazing and everything's perfect and your life has been incredible. I don't even know if we ever need to get to that other thought right, but we can do it in baby steps of something terrible happened to me and I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to take my power back. I'm ready to step into a little bit more of trusting myself. I'm learning to trust myself. I'm learning to be powerful in my choices. I'm getting better at believing I'm worthy. I'm starting to recognize that I've been through hard things and I can continue to do hard things as I heal, like any of those or something else that feels resonant to you.


We can start there, because feeling even 10% better than you did by working on believing a new thought or believing a new story is a great way to start. That is going to be 10% less victimizing. That is going to be happening in your brain. That is going to be coming up because you're continuing to believe the same old thoughts that have kept you stuck in this cycle where you're at today. So we come up with a new thought and we practice it, and we practice it and we have a compassion when we forget it. And we have compassion when we're not perfect in remembering that new thought. And we have compassion when we continue to have a hard day and believe some of the things that we've been told in the past about ourselves or that we've told ourselves in the past right and we have grace. And then we continue to practice the new thought and we do it over and over and over again until that new thought takes hold and we believe it and we know it. And then we pick another new thought that we want to work on. This is how we are able to move beyond being the victim in our own lives. You are worthy of it. You deserve a life that is yours, that you are in control of, where you are in your power, where you feel in control of your emotional life. You're worthy of it. You can do this.


All right, my friends, I hope this podcast was helpful and, as always, I will be back next week. Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoaching dot com. That's wwwkarinnelsoncoaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.




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