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Writer's pictureKarin Nelson

Ep #183: How To Stop Comparing | Becoming You Again Podcast


Ever wondered why comparison during and after a divorce feels so painful? Join me on this episode of "Becoming You Again" as we uncover the deep-rooted reasons behind the comparison instinct and how it affects our emotional well-being.


You'll learn why our mind turns to comparison in the first place. You'll hear relatable scenarios from divorce and family life that illustrate how our minds, conditioned by societal beliefs, can trap us in a cycle of inadequacy. And of course, you'll learn strategies to break this cycle, freeing yourself from constant comparisons and learn to embrace a more empowering mindset.


You'll discover the power of reframing your thoughts and the importance of staying present in the moment. By distinguishing between the facts and the stories we tell ourselves, we can shift from a judgmental mindset to one of self-acceptance and compassion.


Make sure to follow the podcast, leave a rating, and check the show notes for more details on how I can assist you in living a more fulfilling life post-divorce.


To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.


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List to the full episode:


Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.


Featured on this episode:

  1. Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.

  2. Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.

  3. Want to work first hand with Karin so you can stop worrying about what your life will be like after divorce, and instead begin making it amazing today? Click here to schedule a consult to find out more about working 1:1 with Karin as your coach.

  4. Haven't left a review yet? No problem. Click here to leave one.


Full Episode Transcript:

This is Becoming you Again, episode number 183, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, I am so happy that you're here this week. I know I say that every week, but it's so true. I am so happy that you are listening to the podcast, I am so happy to be here recording this podcast for you, and I just feel so grateful to be able to help you and other women just like you get through their divorce in a way that feels open, free, loving and powerful.

 

This podcast episode I'm going to be talking about how to stop comparing. I'm going to put a little note on the title of this podcast because, as you'll find out as I go through this podcast, I don't think there's actually a way to stop completely comparing, and I'll tell you why as I go through. So I did. It is a little bit of like a bait click of being able to stop comparing, cause I don't know if it's completely possible to all the way stop comparing, but don't worry. Don't worry, I got you. What I am going to teach you in this podcast is how to kind of pull your energy away from the comparing when it starts to happen, or, in other words, give you freedom from the pain that you might feel when your brain starts to compare, and whatever that comparison might be right. I'm going to talk and give examples specifically of divorce and family, basically, or what you might think of yourself if you're a divorced woman, like in her forties or fifties or beyond. Right, but our brain goes into comparison in probably every single aspect of our life, and so this podcast, I think, will be very powerful for you in whatever way you find comparison showing up in your life. Obviously, this is a divorce podcast, and so I'm going to be using examples of divorce, but use these tools in whatever way work best for you. All right. So there's my disclaimer. There's the like housekeeping that needed to be taken care of at the beginning of this episode, but right now let's jump into why comparison even happens in the first place.

 

So what you need to understand about comparison is this is just a natural function of our mind. This part of our brain, this part of our thinking, is designed for our survival and if you really think about it like, comparison helps us differentiate hot from cold. Oh, comparison helps us differentiate hot from cold. Oh, that stove is hot. That's going to hurt if I touch that. Don't touch that. Oh, is there a car coming down the street or is there no car? Can I cross safely? Like, is this a cliff that I'm standing on, or is there solid ground on the other side of this next step? Right, that's all comparison. Right, that's all comparison. That is all a survival mechanism that we have been given when we are born and we have a brain, a mind that is working properly. So comparison is a part of a properly functioning mind, and that is a good thing. If we could not differentiate between things, we would not be able to stay safe. I want you to think about comparison when it shows up, as you're not doing anything wrong when you compare. Nothing has gone wrong here. Your brain is functioning properly, your mind is showing up in the way that it is supposed to. And that is why I said at the beginning of this podcast, where I was like I don't think you can actually stop comparing. That's why I say that, because it is comparison, is a proper functioning brain. It is what it does.

 

The problem comes with comparison. Comes with comparison when we believe that one way is good and one way is bad, or one way is better than another way, and those things, the good, the bad, the better, whatever, right, those are all ideas that we have gained, that have been implanted in our brains, that we have been conditioned to believe, that are based off of the comparison we start to make judgments about. Well, this must be better than that. Based off of the way we were raised, the way we were conditioned, the culture that we were raised in, all of the stories that we've told, those are based off of ideas that are happening in our brain. So our mind is innocently doing its job right, it's over here. It's doing its job. It's comparing to try and keep us safe.

 

And then we, because we're human, we create suffering when we believe that these good and bad thoughts, these good and bad traits, these good and bad, whatever, are true. So, for example, let's say we're married. We have a family, a husband, wife, a couple of kids, and then we're going through a divorce and we start to compare what our family looked like to what it is now. Or we start to compare what our family looks like now like divorced mom with a couple of kids to our friends or those people over there or the families that we see on television who are still married and still together and raising their families as a single unit. And because of all of these ideas of good and bad and better or worse, we start to think and judge and have ideas and beliefs about there's something wrong with the way my family looks, the way my life looks, because now I'm a divorced mom with a couple of kids and they have a complete, a whole, a whatever family that is different than mine. Theirs is better, mine is worse.

 

That's where the suffering starts to come in, when we start to have thoughts about the comparison, about that's better, this is worse, that's good, this is bad, and then we start to internalize that good and bad and we start to fundamentally believe that we are good or we are bad based off of that comparison. So this is where comparison gets icky, because when we start to make it a fundamental truth about ourselves, about who we are. Because of this thing in my life I must be bad, because it doesn't look like this thing that I'm comparing it to we start to feel threatened in some way. Our nervous system gets heightened. When we start to feel bad, when we start to believe that there's something wrong with us, that something is broken, that we've done something wrong, that we are bad, like all of those things, our nervous system gets heightened and we start to feel fear over what might be next. We start to feel worry over the fact that maybe we've done something wrong. We did it wrong, we aren't enough. We start to feel anxiety over we made a bad choice, over we weren't good enough, over we chose wrong in the first place when we decided to get married, like we start to feel all of these things because our nervous system is heightened, we are feeling threatened, we are feeling unworthy in some way, and all of this feels threatening to us, to our survival.

 

But the reality is that we are not actually threatened, and so I want you to remember, when these comparisons start to come up, the goal isn't to stop comparison, because, again, it's a normal function of our brain. We want that comparison to be there, but what we want to do, the goal, is to start to recognize when the comparison is happening. And then, more importantly, we want to see what is actually true, what is actually happening in the here and now and what's really going on in reality, not in our brain, not in the story, not in the ideas, not in the beliefs that we've been given or that we've accepted or that we've taken upon ourselves, but what is actually true. That's where we want to get to when it comes to comparison. So we're not trying to stop the thoughts of comparison. Remember this. This is really important. I know, again, it was definitely misleading. I think a little bit with this idea of this title how to stop comparison because the the actual goal is we don't want to stop those thoughts from coming. We just want to get to a place where we recognize what's going on and then we start to realize what is actually true. And can I let the pain that is surrounding this story that I have or this belief that I have? Can I let that pain go? Can I let that story go? Because it feels very stressful to think that we have to stop thinking in a certain way because that feels impossible. Right, when we tell ourselves not to think about something, what do we do? We think about it more, we fixate on it more.

 

I just finished reading the book the Women by Kristen Hanna, and it's basically just the story about a woman who serves in Vietnam as a war nurse and she comes back home to a country who hates her, who thinks that she was not a patriot and doing something wrong. She comes back home and she has PTSD over all the things that she experienced and saw and then she tries to get help and the VA is like there were no women in Vietnam. You don't belong here, you're not allowed here and she's really struggling and all she wants to do is just forget. She wants to stop thinking about Vietnam. She wants to forget that she was ever even there. She wants to do is just forget. She wants to stop thinking about Vietnam. She wants to forget that she was ever even there. She wants to forget the experiences. She just wants to stop thinking about it and it just doesn't work.

 

The entire, like the whole second half of the book is basically her coming to terms with this idea that she actually needs to sit in the thoughts to understand, to feel compassion for herself, to allow the thoughts to be there without making them mean anything bad about her, and that's what we need to do with comparison. Right, we're not going to stop the thoughts. They're still going to be there, but what we're going to work on is noticing them, being aware that they're there and then figuring out what is actually true, because that is where the relief and the freedom is going to come. When it comes to comparison, you can still compare. You don't have to believe the story around what you're comparing. So how do we recognize when we're in comparison? Well, we have to start to question is what's going on right now, in this moment where I'm feeling something right, where I'm feeling a negative emotion of some kind? Is this reality or is something happening in my mind? Is there a story going on? And so the way to do that, as we want to figure out what the facts are, let's go back to this idea of like, what family looks like?

 

You're comparing what your family is now, post-divorce, to what your friend's family looks like or what your family used to look like. So what are the facts? My previous family, or that family over there, has a mom, a dad and two kids. That's a fact. Mom dad, two kids Fact. And what's the fact about my family now? Mom two kids. Okay, those are the facts. That is the reality of what was.

 

What is the story or what's happening in your mind, are where all the layers about better and worse and good and bad come in, because you might've been told your entire life the right way, a good family or a perfect family or how family should look, is mom dad two kids. Is mom dad two kids, no divorce, no two same sex parents, no single parent with kids. Those are not acceptable. There is something wrong, there's something less than there is something that is not good with what that looks like. This way, mom dad, kids is better than the other ways, and so that whole story of one is better than the other. That is what's happening in your mind and that is where you need to start to recognize, okay, the reality. The facts are mom dad two kids, mom two kids. The facts are mom dad, two kids, mom two kids. Those are both neutral, as is. It's the story, it's the belief, it's the ideas that are happening in your head.

 

After we take a look at the facts that are telling you you need to feel bad about this. You need to feel like you're doing it wrong. You need to understand that something is wrong here. That's where we need to feel like you're doing it wrong. You need to understand that something is wrong here. That's where we need to differentiate between the facts and the story, because the story is made up. The story is not true. The story is where the bad feelings live, because we're telling ourselves something that is made up. That society made up that society made up that. You made up that. Somebody told you and you believed. We don't know where it came from. Maybe sometimes we do, but the truth about that is it's made up and it is living outside of the reality of what is.

 

So we want to get back to the here and now, because that is where the facts are. That is where the present is and I've said this before many times but the present, the present moment right now, that is where healing and truth and reality live. That is where you get to be okay with what's happening in your life. That is where you get to accept it and open up to it and find freedom in it. So ask yourself this what is real here and now, in this moment. What is tangible? Is it real or is it happening in my mind? That's where the differentiation comes, when you start to see yourself comparing. Come back to the here and now. What is real? Because outside of comparison, outside of the, there's something wrong with my family. It's broken, it's whatever compared to the other thing outside of that is what's happening in the here and now. The present comparison is happening in your mind. Comparison is not reality. Comparison is the story.

 

Now again, comparison is the ideas and the beliefs that one is good, one is bad. That's all happening in your head Now. Obviously, we're not going to start questioning hot and cold and if one is going to hurt me or not, that still doesn't have to necessarily be good or bad. It could just be this is going to feel terrible on my hands because I'll have a burn and this is going to feel cool on my hands and I won't have a burn. Those are the facts. Those are the reality. That's where we want to get to with comparison. We want to take it out of the emotional judgments and beliefs into the facts.

 

Go back to this idea of how do you feel? How do you feel when you're comparison? Notice that if the idea is telling you that you can only feel good if your family looks a certain way, if your family looks like mom, dad, two kids, then that is a very limiting, small, compressive way of thinking about it. Notice how it feels if you are telling yourself well, I can only feel good about myself if I have a partner. How does that feel? Does it feel open? Does it feel free? Does it feel limitless? No, it feels compressive, it feels limiting, it feels insecure.

 

But if you feel neutral about the present, the here and now, the facts, that are the. What is the reality? If you feel neutral about it, if you feel okay about it, you are not limited, you are open, you are free to live and be exactly as you are. And that is what we're looking for when it comes to freedom from comparison and when it comes to stopping this comparison cycle that is holding you back, that is keeping you stuck, that is telling you that you're bad or wrong or that there's something wrong with you, is telling you that you're bad or wrong or that there's something wrong with you. We want to get to a place where we feel neutral, where we just feel okay with where we are, because that's where we feel open, that's where we feel free and I'll say it again to live and be exactly as you are now. This is the space where you can step into creating self-compassion for where you're at. You can say things like when you recognize the comparison, you can remind yourself yeah, my mind is supposed to compare, it's doing its job and if that is helpful to you, use that. You can say something like I get to decide what family means to me and who gets to be a part of my family. You can say something like my nervous system reaction and what is happening in my body is real, but that doesn't mean this belief is true. Give yourself the compassion that you need.

 

When comparison shows up, recognize it for what it is and do your best to bring yourself back to the here and now, because that is where you can step out of the comparison. You can recognize where the facts are, where the story is, and you can begin to let go of that story, of that comparison. It's almost like.

 

I heard this example and I really liked it. It's almost like if you're outside and you see like a flock of birds flying above your head, when you're stuck in comparison, it's like you've got a gun and you're trying to shoot down every single bird that's flying overhead. It's impossible, right, it feels bad, it feels terrible and we can't do it. But when we step out of a comparison and we are aware of it and when we figure out what's actually true, it's like we can watch those birds fly overhead and just know that they're just going to fly by. Nothing is wrong here. Nothing has gone wrong. We pull our energy away from that comparison and that belief of that story and we just allow the thoughts of comparison to be there, but we don't attach meaning and negativity and bad feelings to them.

 

It takes practice. I still have to practice in many areas of my life when it comes to comparison and myself and things and all of that. Right, it takes practice. But it doesn't mean that it's impossible to get to a place where you feel better about the comparison when it shows up. It doesn't mean that you can't get to a neutral place when it comes to how you feel about your family, how you feel about your divorce, how you feel about yourself. It doesn't mean that you can't get to that neutral, okay, place where you feel free to live and be exactly as you are All right. My friends, that is what I have for you on comparison. I hope that is helpful.

 

If you want more help with this, if you want a coach to help guide you through it, and we talk about these things every week and I teach you and you go, live your life and then you come back and we figure out where you need more guidance, where you need more help, where you need more clarity. I'm your gal. Set up your free consult with me by going to my website or clicking the link in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here and I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening.

 

I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N. N-e-l-s-o-n. Coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

 

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