Ep 194: Making Confident Decisions | Becoming You Again Podcast

Making confident decisions during and after divorce can seem daunting, especially if you've been living your life in the shadow of deferring to someone else's authority, not trusting your own opinions, and dismissing your intuition as knowledge of what's best for you. But it doesn't have to be this way. You can develop the skill of making confident decisions.

Join me, Karin Nelson, as I share insights from my own journey, coaching my clients and step by step tools to help you explore how reconnecting with your core values can lead to decisions that genuinely reflect your true self. We'll uncover the complex yet enlightening process of understanding how shifting values can reshape our identity, empowering you to make clearer, self-aligned choices even in the most turbulent times.

Imagine transforming uncertainty into confidence by trusting yourself to make decisions and having a step by step process to know exactly how to do it. Your journey to becoming you again starts with understanding and owning your decisions, and it can start with this episode.

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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

Featured on this episode:

1. Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.

2. Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.

3. Want to work first hand with Karin so you can stop worrying about what your life will be like after divorce, and instead begin making it amazing today? Click here to schedule a consult to find out more about working 1:1 with Karin as your coach.

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Full Episode Transcript:

This is Becoming you Again, the podcast that offers you the mental and emotional support you need as you go through your divorce. You are listening to episode number 194, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, I am so happy to be here with you.

As always, this week I am going to be talking about making decisions, and I know that this can be a very difficult thing for many of you to do. I have been in your position before. Absolutely I have been in your position before. I know exactly what it feels like to feel stuck, to not be able to trust your own opinions, your own ability to make decisions, your own ability to know what is best and right for you and your family moving forward, and that can feel very scary, that can feel very uncertain. You feel like you'll never know which way is right, which one is the right thing to do. You feel like you're always doing it wrong, and that never feels good. So I'm going to lay out why this is happening and some steps that you can take to get better at making decisions. So where do we want to start?

When it comes to making decisions, we always want to start with bringing it back to us and what are our priorities or our values. Because often when we go into the decision-making process, we've kind of been taught like, okay, do the pros and cons, like what are the good things and what are the bad things, or take your question to the masses, like text your friends or ask some really close confidants, or take it to the Facebook group or Reddit and be like okay, you guys, what should I do in this situation? What's the best thing for me to do? And that's all fine and good. I've definitely been in that position. I've definitely had friends who have done that with me. My kids do that with me. Sometimes, right, they'll come to you for advice or for guidance and, again, there's nothing wrong with that.

But often, when we do things like that, we come away feeling just as confused. We come away still not quite knowing what we should do in the situation, still questioning that whatever decision we make is going to be the wrong one, and what are we going to do if that happens? And the reason is is because all of those people that you're going to, they are not you, they are not experiencing what you're experiencing, they have not lived your life and they could never know what is truly best for you. You are the authority on your life, and what is best for you and what is best for your family moving forward is best for you and what is best for your family moving forward. And so that is why I really want to emphasize that, when it comes to decision-making, we have to start with what are your values and what are your top priorities? And if you don't know what those are, this is the perfect time for you to start recognizing and realizing and becoming aware of what your values are and what your priorities are, because the more in touch and in tune with those you are, the more in touch and in tune you will be with yourself, and my guess is that if you're listening to this podcast. You have been very disconnected from you. What you want, what you need, what your desires are the direction that you want to be headed in your life, and that's fine. I, again, I can relate because I was you, and there are still some moments where I'm not quite sure and I have to really take a beat and take a moment to ask myself what is it that I want in this situation? What is important to me? Where do my values align and can I make a decision based off of those values? This is like a lifetime tool that is going to serve you, having you understand what your values and what your priorities are. So get to know what those are. Start asking yourself some questions about what's important to you, because doing that is going to help you get to the ultimate question of what decision is right and best for me, and it's going to be much easier to answer that based off of where your values and your priorities lie. Now, this can look different for everyone and I want to give a couple of examples as to why this really needs to be a very personal question that only you can answer.

So when I was faced with the decision of should I get divorced or should I stay married? My values and my priorities had changed over the years. When I first got married, when I was 19 years old, my values and my priorities were to put all of my support behind my husband and his career. I had been raised that way. I had been taught that that was a very important thing. I fully believed it. I was fully on board. I totally believed that his goals should be supported by me. I was like the help mate for that right. I was to support him in his career, in his goals, in his aspirations, in every way, and I truly believed that if he was happy, then that would mean that I was happy and my family would be happy, that I was happy and my family would be happy.

However, as I lived that life and as I experienced that life, I became so disconnected from myself, from my own goals, my own aspirations, my own objectives, my own needs, my own wants, that my identity slipped away from myself. And as I became more and more aware that that had happened, that I had allowed that to happen, and that I started to realize that I didn't actually want that for myself. Living as a support and help meet for a partner, that's totally fine. You again, you get to choose that. But that did not become my top priority anymore. My top priority and my value then changed to becoming reconnected to myself. I started to realize that I had worth, I had value, I was lovable just as much as anyone else in this world not less than just as much, not more than just as much.

And I real, I became to realize that my value lies in creating my own happiness and living from a place of self-trust and owning my own power and my own autonomy and my own ability to create a life that I choose, and I wanted to be able to exemplify that to my kids as well. I never wanted my kids to come away with this idea that they weren't as worthy as another human being, that their goals and their desires and their needs and their wants weren't as important as anyone else's. I wanted to be able to exemplify that, and that is where my values and my priorities changed. And so when I came to that question, when I asked myself, what do you want? Do you want to stay married or do you want a divorce? The answer was easy. I answered I want a divorce. I felt complete peace come over me and I knew that truly aligned with my desire, values and my priorities as those had changed. So it was an it was an easy answer. It came very simply and very easy. Now, again, it doesn't mean you're not going to feel some discomfort around the decision, right, and I'll talk about that in a minute but the answer came easy and I knew, because it was aligned with me and what was important to me.

Now, on the flip side of that, I've had clients who have come to me who are questioning the exact same thing that I questioned Should I get divorced? And the answer for them, when they have really gone inside and connected to their values and their priorities, has been based off of different things and they have come to the decision that getting divorced is not the right answer. I can't tell them whether to stay in their marriage or to get divorced, because I am not them. I don't know where their top priorities and where their values lie. Only they know, and only they know what is the right answer for them, and that is why I'm really emphasizing that you need to do this for yourself. This is the key to being able to make decisions for yourself that are in your best interest that are going to lead to you living a life that you feel fulfilled in, that you feel happy in that you have created, where you feel fulfilled in that you feel happy in that you have created, where you feel powerful in your decisions, where you trust yourself, and no one can give you that. You have to create that and get to know yourself in that way.

The next thing that I want you to know, when it comes to making decisions, after you've kind of aligned with some of your values and your priorities, is that I want you to know that there is going to be discomfort with any decision that you make. There just is, it's just part of life, right? You're either going to feel discomfort in the spinning and feeling stuck or the not knowing, or not making a decision. And, by the way, not making a decision is making a decision, right? Not doing anything or doing nothing, however you want to put it, is also deciding. That is deciding to do nothing, to wait it out, to give it time, whatever, right. And you need to realize that, because pretending that it's not there is still doing something. Pretending, acting like it's not important perhaps is a way of looking at it. So you're either going to feel that discomfort of like worrying about it, spinning about it in your head, feeling stuck, feeling like you're powerless, feeling like you have no decision in this, or you'll feel discomfort in the consequence of whatever decision you make. Now remember, consequence is not a good or a bad thing, it just is. There are consequences to every decision that we make good and bad.

50, 50 life is 50, 50 life is a mixed bag. No matter what you choose, there is no chance of not feeling any kind of negative emotion with whatever you decide, because we are not beings where we can get away from feeling negative emotion. It's just not possible. It is part of our human experience and so, sometimes subconsciously, I think we will try and base our decisions off of which one's going to feel less bad. Which one do I not have to feel negative emotion with in the future?

And the answer is that's not possible. You're going to feel negative emotion at some point. With whatever decision that you make. It still doesn't mean that it's not the right decision for you. Negative emotion is not a bad thing. It does not mean that something has gone wrong. It does not mean that you have chosen wrong and you need to switch and you've done everything wrong and you've ruined everyone's life. That is not what negative emotion means. Everyone's life. That is not what negative emotion means. Negative emotion means that you are human and to remember that. Also, on the flip side of whatever decision you make to go along with those consequences, there will also be positive emotion, because life is 50, 50, and we're going to have a mixed bag of but. So expect the discomfort of some kind and get to a place of trust trust that you're going to take care of yourself, no matter what emotion you feel, right.

So let me go back to my example of making my decision to get divorced. If I decided to stay, there would have been discomfort of some kind in that decision? Maybe it was. Would have been I mean, I'm just speculating here because obviously I didn't make that decision but maybe it would have been some kind of discomfort of knowing that I would possibly still be putting myself on the back burner and not reconnecting with myself and beating myself up for that or feeling resentful toward my ex for that or my husband at the time, right? Maybe I would feel discomfort in my relationship and if I did decide to not put myself on the back burner any longer. There would be that discomfort in my relationship, dynamics changing and what that would look like, right, there would be that kind of discomfort and probably a lot of other discomforts as well to go along with that. Again, I can't know because I'm just speculating, but I know for a fact that there would have been discomfort of some kind had I made that decision, had I felt that that would have been the right decision for me.

And then, on the flip side, the decision that I did make, there was definitely discomfort that went along with that decision the discomfort of getting divorced. The discomfort of watching my kids go through something really, really hard because of my choice, right. The discomfort of having to split things up. The discomfort of having to figure out and co-parenting and like, figure out that balance and what that looked like. The discomfort of having to financially support myself and my kids when they're with me, without alimony, without child support right, the discomfort of so many other things that come along with divorce. There was discomfort either way, but this was a discomfort that I was willing to feel, to open up to, to allow to be a part of my life, because I knew that my decision was the right decision for me.

So remember, there's no perfect decision devoid of emotion. So we just want to expect that, with whatever decision we make, there's going to be discomfort and that doesn't mean anything has gone wrong and that doesn't mean that the decision is wrong for you. So remember that when you go to make decisions. And the next thing that I want you to pay attention to is notice if there are roadblocks that you are subconsciously or maybe consciously bringing into your realm of decision making, things that you're doing to perhaps block yourself from making a decision and from feeling that discomfort. So just start to pay attention to things and start to question why am I not making this decision? Why am I not allowing myself to choose one way or the other? Right, start to notice if you are showing up with buffering, and buffering basically just means like am I avoiding feeling something, feeling some kind of negative emotion, by doing something else? That can look at lots and lots and lots of different ways. It could look like drinking. It could look like over exercising. It could look like angry cleaning. It could look like scrolling on social media. It could look like overconsumption of some kind, whether it be food, netflix, anything like that.

Right, sometimes, when we are doing things like that, where we are avoiding feeling something, feeling that discomfort. We are doing it because of fear of some kind, and this is worth taking a look at, right. What is the fear about? Is it fear about the future and the uncertainty of what your life will look like if you're not married any longer? Is it the fear about what this decision is going to do to your kids, what it's going to do to your finances? Is it fear about what other people are going to think about you and how they're going to judge you? Is it fear of whether or not you're going to be okay on your own, whether or not you're going to be able to do it to make it, to survive, to create a life that you like? Is it fear that you're going to be alone forever? Right, like it's worth taking a look at why you're maybe not making the decision. Take a look at your behaviors and notice what those behaviors are telling you. Start getting curious, start trying to understand why you possibly wouldn't be moving forward one way or the other.

Are you seeking a lot of information before you make your decision, telling yourself that once you have all of the information, then you can make a decision, but you just never seem to have all of the information. I'm putting quotes around all because in reality we can't just have all of the information right, we'll never there's. There's at some point. We have to decide, because we could just keep looking for information forever. It could go on forever, which keeps us feeling stuck, and so that could be a form of overconsumption of consuming and trying to get all of the information because your brain is telling you well, you don't have enough to make an informed decision. And again that comes back to this self-trust of I'm going to base my decision off of the information that I have and aligning it with my values and my priorities and moving on from there. Remember, no decision is still a decision and it's totally fine if you want to do that, but own it. Own that that's what you're doing. Own that you're going to wait it out, that you're going to give it some time, that you're still trying to decide, that you're still trying to weigh the pros and cons, or however. You want to say it, but own it. It's the owning it that gives you your power back.

You feel powerless when you think that you can't decide, that you don't know what's best for you and that you are not going to get it right, or recognize and get curious about what your behaviors are doing, where you're holding yourself back and be willing to take a look at those and question why? Where is the fear hidden? Why could you possibly be avoiding making this decision? And then, once you start to question that, you start to realize what's really going on, what the underlying fear is all about. I want you to start to visualize for yourself how good it's going to feel on the other side of that decision. How good it's going to feel on the other side of that decision. Visualize how good you are going to feel, stepping into some self-trust and feeling confident in making decisions that are good and best for you. Visualize and feel it in your body, if you can, if you can get to that place. Visualize the possibility that everything is going to work out just fine, exactly as you want.

And so, if we go back to my example of me making the decision to get divorced, when I decided, I set the intention of what I wanted my divorce to look like. I talked about this a few episodes ago. I set the intention that I wanted my divorce to look different than most divorces than the divorces you see on TV or that you read about in books. I didn't want my divorce to look that way. I wanted to get along with my, my ex. I wanted us to be able to spend time together with the kids, go on vacations, have birthday parties together, have holidays together, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. That was my way of visualizing what I wanted my future to look like, and it felt good. I didn't know if it was possible, but when I thought of it it felt so good and I desired it so much.

And you can do the same thing based off of your decisions. Visualize feeling the positive side of that decision. Again, it doesn't mean that you're not going to have negative emotions moving forward, but you can still take the time to visualize how good it feels on the other side of making that decision, and then set your intentions and see yourself on the side of positivity. And then the next thing you want to do is you actually want to move forward. You want to take some kind of action, make a choice, remind yourself of your priorities, your values, and then move forward one step at a time with that decision. Doesn't mean you have to know all of the steps. Sometimes we'll tell ourself that we need to know all of the steps and then that again stops us from making a decision. But you don't need to know all the steps, you just need to know the next step and do that, move forward, take action.

And this is when usually when we don't trust ourselves yet and we're not very good at, or practiced at, making decisions that this is usually when the second guessing shows up in your brain and it's like, oh no, what if I did the wrong thing? Have I ruined everything? Have I ruined everything for myself, for my kids, for my future, for all of whatever? And this is when you have to bring it back. This is when you get to talk back to your brain and you remind yourself that you don't have to be attached to a success or a failure, that you don't have to be attached to a success or a failure based off of your decision, because, let's face it, those are made up right. You get to decide if it was the right decision for you. You get to decide if this was a success or a failure. There's no like metric that we can look up online that says you get to input your decision and then it's like yes, this was a successful decision, good job, you did life, you did great.

Human Like there's that's not a thing, which is good news, because that means that you get to decide if it's a success or if it's a failure, if it's a good decision or a bad decision for you in your life. Nobody else gets to tell you that you get to decide. And so when the second guessing shows up, you get to show up, reminding your brain that you based this decision off of your values and priorities, that the things that were important to you, knowing that there would be discomfort either way, and you're basing it off of trusting yourself. And this is the last thing that I want to say the last step in making decisions and it's having a backup plan in place. Making decisions and it's having a backup plan in place.

And the way I describe a backup plan maybe isn't quite what you're thinking, because having a backup plan to me is a reminder that, first of all, nothing is going to be perfect and I'm not going to expect that everything is going to go exactly as planned moving forward, but my backup plan is understanding that I'm going to have my own back, no matter what happens, no matter what emotion shows up, no matter what people throw at me or judging of me, like to go back to my example. When I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, he was like, okay, I agree, let's get a divorce. And then for weeks he would come to me and say are you sure this is the decision that you want? Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you don't want to try and make it work? Are you sure you don't want to work things out or try and make it work for the kids or whatever right, whatever. He was throwing at me and I had to take it back to me, having my own back, me, supporting myself in knowing that that decision was the right decision for me. So I knew that I had to have my own back and that was my backup plan.

I knew things were going to be tricky. I knew things weren't going to feel good all the time. I knew that I had to trust myself that my knowing was correct, and that was my backup plan. I didn't expect that everything was going to go smoothly and perfectly and that we were going to work it all out and never have bumps and never feel terrible, and that we were just going to like everything was going to work out perfectly. I didn't expect that. I knew that things were going to be rough and that there was going to be a learning curve and that we weren't going to agree on everything and that it was going to be hard watching the kids and trying to support them through it, and that I was going to feel shitty sometimes and that he was going to feel shitty sometimes and that I was going to be scared about my finances and trying to make that work Like I knew. I expected all of that to come, but again, my backup plan was supporting myself with compassion and love and having my own back throughout it all.

You go into your decision expecting and knowing that this is a marathon, it's a journey, it's not a sprint, and that there's going to be failures along the way. You might not get exactly as you're hoped for. Outcome is and that's okay. It doesn't mean you give up. It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. It doesn't mean that you tell yourself you're the worst and that you've ruined everyone's life, including your own. It doesn't mean that you stop and you quit and you give up and you go back to your marriage and you ask for forgiveness and you say you're sorry. It doesn't mean any of those things, right, it means you stop, you take a breath, you ground yourself, you realign your nervous system, you give yourself some compassion, some self-love and some understanding and then you reevaluate Do I need to make a pivot? Do I need to continue in this direction and trust that things are going to go the way that I am headed? What's my next best step here?

This is how you do a backup plan. You don't give up on yourself. You support yourself when things don't go as perfectly or as smoothly as you had expected or had hoped. Having your backup plan means that you don't shit all over yourself, telling yourself that you've now made the wrong decision and you're to blame for everyone's discomfort, because that is not true, is not true. Having a backup plan means that you trust yourself, you trust your values and you trust that you get to choose the next best step. What is that going to be? The thing about making decisions is, the more willing you are to make them with the understanding that they're not all going to turn out perfectly, not everything is going to go exactly as planned and that's okay the more you will trust yourself to know what is best and right for you. That is a realigning of your brain, your body and your intuition, and that brings you closer to your power, to your autonomy over your own life. So make more decisions.

Use this podcast as your guide as you move forward in your life. Only you know what is best for you, and that is a beautiful thing to get to know, to get stronger in, to develop for yourself. I know you can do it. I believe in you, and now is your chance to build that belief in yourself too. All right, my friends, go make some decisions. I love you so much. Thank you so much for being here.

I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoaching dot com. That's wwwkarinnelsoncoaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way. Please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.