Ep 222: Healing from Resentment After Divorce

Divorce creates the perfect breeding ground for resentment - that heavy, persistent feeling that can linger for years after your marriage ends. But what if you could finally set down that emotional burden? This episode dives deep into understanding what really fuels your post-divorce resentment. Through practical exercises and thoughtful guidance, you'll learn to identify the specific ways the resentment was created in the first place. 

The transformation begins with awareness. By recognizing exactly what you're holding onto and why, you create space to process these emotions completely. I walk you through a step-by-step writing exercise to help you name your resentments without judgment, identify the expectations and then I offer concrete techniques to process through the resentment and release it with intention. 

As a bonus, are you ready to free yourself from unnecessary emotional baggage? Download my free guide to managing the emotional rollercoaster of divorce through the link in the description to accelerate your healing journey. 

To download your FREE GUIDE: "What to Expect When Divorcing: The Ultimate Guide to Dealing with the Emotional Rollercoaster of Divorce" click here. 

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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

Featured on this episode:

1. Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.

2. Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.

3. Want to work first hand with Karin so you can stop worrying about what your life will be like after divorce, and instead begin making it amazing today? Click here to schedule a consult to find out more about working 1:1 with Karin as your coach.

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Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to Becoming you Again. This is the podcast helping you heal from your divorce and deal with the mental and emotional challenges you face so that you can get on living the best of the rest of your life. This is Becoming you Again, episode number 222, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to yourself. This is becoming you Again. The podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. As always, my lovely ladies, I am so, so happy that you're here Today.

I'm going to be talking a little bit about resentment, which I know a lot of us are carrying around, and it's not necessary. I'm going to give you some lot of us are carrying around and it's not necessary. I'm going to give you some actual, tangible tools in this podcast episode to help you move through that resentment. But before I jump into that, I want to remind you that as you go through your divorce, it's going to feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. I remember describing it that way when I was going through my divorce nine years ago, and the majority of my clients describe it that way as well, where one moment you're feeling neutral, you're feeling fine, you're feeling like things are going relatively well and then, boom, something unexpected happens. You get a text from your ex, or you're walking through the grocery store and you're picking up some eggs off the shelf and then all of a sudden, this sadness just hits out of nowhere and you're like what the actual fuck? I was doing fine, everything was good, and then all of a sudden I'm just going to feel sad. Or I see this text from him on my phone and all of a sudden I just feel immense anxiety, and I haven't even read the text yet. It can feel disorienting and exhausting living your life this way as you go through your divorce. But I have created a guide to help you. Number one know when to expect those moments more often so that the emotional roller coaster doesn't feel so out of control, it doesn't feel like it's hitting you out of nowhere. And number two in this guide, I'm going to give you tangible tools to help you have a plan in place so when your nervous system gets heightened because of something that happened throughout your day that's pertaining to your divorce, you know exactly what to do to support yourself, to help yourself through it and to start to feel better faster, so that you can step off that emotional rollercoaster onto steady ground. And the best part about this is it's free. I've created this guide for you. It is 100% free, and there is a bonus to it that you can either have the PDF to download and read it at your leisure, or you can have an MP3 to listen anytime you want. You can download your free copy or PDF version of the guide by clicking the link in the description, or you can go to my website and get it there.

All right, so let's now jump into talking about resentment. When we go through a divorce, it's pretty common to hold onto resentment toward our ex. Like you could probably pinpoint right now a few of the ways that you feel some resentment directed at your ex. I probably wouldn't even have to like ask you that many questions, you probably come up with like three or four, just boom right off the bat Right. And this is whether this is maybe resentment that you've been feeling just during this divorce process, or it could be resentment that you've been carrying around for a long, long time, maybe for even years of your marriage, that you just didn't know what to do with or how to move through it or how to let it go. But whatever the case is for you and maybe it's all three right, that's pretty common too I'm going to be giving you these tools today, in this episode, to help you move through it. Because, as I mentioned at the beginning, resentment is just like any other emotion. If you truly want to let the resentment go, move beyond it, you're going to have to move through it. You can't continue to avoid it, you can't continue to resist it, you can't continue to react to it. And just being out of your marriage and going through a divorce doesn't actually mean you're moving through and processing through that resentment. You'll probably, if you don't do anything with it, still have it years and years later. This is why there are a lot of women who, 20 years after their marriage still hold hate, anger, judgment against their ex, and I'm not saying they shouldn't, but what I am saying is it's not necessary, doesn't mean you don't hold them accountable for things that they've done. None of that doesn't mean that things didn't happen to you that did none of that. All it means is that you can put down the heaviness of carrying around that resentment by moving through it. That's all this means.

Now here's why we have resentment. It is often because of an unmet expectation or an unmet need that you have, that you're holding right. And what's really going on with resentment is we're often expecting the other person to either meet our needs in some way or we have an expectation that we're holding on to that just goes unfulfilled. And the thing about resentment is it's not really about what the other person did or didn't do, about what the other person did or didn't do. It's really about this gap between what you were expecting them to do and then what really happened. It's kind of like grief in that way, right, like grief isn't necessarily about only feeling sad when you lose someone to death, which was what we're told is the only acceptable reason to feel grief, right, grief is anytime you have an expectation of something and then the reality. Your reality doesn't meet that expectation. You have permission to grieve. So resentment is similar in that way. It's this gap between what you thought was going to happen, the need that you thought was going to be met, and then what really happened.

So the first step to being able to move through resentment is to understand what the actual resentment is that you are holding onto, and this is important. I talk about this a lot because it's important, but awareness is the number one step that we always have to take, because if we don't have awareness, then we have nothing. We have no starting point, right? So it's really important to understand what is this resentment that you're actually holding onto. So we're going to start there. I want you to take a few minutes and I want you to actually do this. Like I give you guys a lot of tools in this podcast. Almost every single episode is a tool, a technique, something that you some kind of education that you can like take from my words if it resonates with you, and then do it in your own life.

Right, and that's the only way that we actually make change in our life is to start to implement, to start to rewire how we're thinking, start to actually do these things, show up and have a connection between what we're thinking and then what we're doing and how we're behaving. That's how we create change. It's not just like hearing it and going, oh yeah, that makes sense. But then just keep continuing to do exactly what you've been doing before. Right, that's one way and you can keep doing that. You'll still live a life by doing that and you'll just continue to feel the way you feel, not heal, and stay the same as you are. That's fine. A lot of people live their lives that way. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not telling you shouldn't do it that way, but if you actually want to heal and you actually want to see forward movement, even if it's tiny little increments, this is how you do it. You actually implement and do the tools and try them out and see how they feel and work for you and see what you recognize and how you want to change and all of the things.

So take a few minutes and write down a few of the resentments that you're holding onto so you can start with a sentence that's something like I resent that he dot, dot, dot, right, fill in the blank, or I resent that. Blah, blah, blah, whatever, whatever comes to mind, and like any other writing exercise that I have, you do, please, please, please, do not judge what you're writing down. Don't feel like you need to go back and edit it. Don't feel like your sentences need to be complete sentences and there needs to be the period at the end. Nobody cares, and by nobody I mean me. I don't care, it doesn't matter, and you shouldn't care either.

We're not writing a paper to turn into our professor, to get an A so that we can pass the class and graduate college. No, we are writing to understand what's going on for us. It does not need to be perfect, okay. So we're going to let go of that need to be perfect. We're going to let go of that need to get the A, because it's not about getting a grade. It's about understanding you and what's going on for you. No judgment, your thoughts are not you. They're just thoughts, and we want to understand where they're coming from. That's it, okay. Let it flow so that you have understanding and awareness about what is going on for you. Okay, after you've written out a few of your resentments, this is where you're going to start to become aware of the expectation or the need that was underlying that resentment. So, in other words, we want to understand what's really driving the feeling of resentment Because, again, it's not about what they did or didn't do. It's about that gap between what your expectation was and then the reality of what happened. It's the gap between where your need was that wasn't met and what actually happened. We are trying to understand and it's in that gap where the understanding comes.

So take each resentment statement that you wrote and identify what expectation or unmet need was behind it. So let me give you an example. Let's say you wrote I resent that he never saw how hard I worked in the home. I made the dinner, I took care of the kids, I catered to his needs, I washed the clothes, I took care of the finances and paid the bills. Whatever it was that was going on for you. He never saw how hard I worked. Okay.

So the expectation or the need that is underlying that resentment might be something like I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be validated, I wanted to be recognized as a contributing member of this relationship. That was the expectation that you had of him and he didn't meet it. That was the need that you had was validation of you and your contributions and your worthiness, and it was not met. Okay, so go through your list and do that with all of them and recognize what the expectation was that you were looking for or what need you had in that moment or those moments, and where they were not met, okay. So, after you've gone through and identified the expectation that was behind the resentment, here's what I want you to do no-transcript. What outcome would have been like best case scenario for you? And I want you to write it down. So let's go back to the example that I gave that this could look like okay, I wish he would have said I see how hard you work for our family, thank you for doing that. I appreciate all that you're doing to contribute in the home and to our family, or something like that. Right, whatever might resonate with you, what you hope he would have done or said or recognized in those moments Like what's your best case scenario out of all of this? Go through and answer this question for all of the resentments and expectations that you listed. Okay, because once you're done with all of that and maybe you're doing this like as I talk, and so you are done.

But once you are done with all of that, you're going to have a lot of understanding behind why you've been holding onto this resentment, and understanding why again is always step number one. It is huge. There is so much to be known for ourselves in the understanding, and sometimes sometimes not all times, but sometimes just having that awareness and that understanding is enough for you to let the resentment go, for you to process through it and not carry it around any longer. But typically it's not enough, and so that's why it's usually just the starting point. The next thing we need to do typically is actually process through the emotions. I'm going to give you a very short version of how to feel your emotions and how to be present with them, but if you need more of an in-depth refresher, you can go listen to episode number 202, episode number 182, or episode number 135. Among others there's others out there, for sure, where I talk about how to process through your emotions.

Or if you want some real in-depth help, this is something that I do with my clients. When I work one-on-one with my clients, we'll talk about processing emotions. We will often be able to discover your best practices that help you open up Some of my clients really find that movement movement through swimming, movement through yoga, movement through anger dance, just movement in general is really healing for them. And I don't mean like exercising, and that's fine, you can combine the two Sometimes that works but like movement through intention of processing through the moment, processing through the emotion that you're feeling, is very useful. Some of my other clients have found that just recognizing what it is that they're feeling, naming it and then going into their body and seeing where it is, is the best way for them to process through their emotions. There's lots of different ways to do it and when we work one-on-one we figure out what works best for you so that you have those tools at hand when you need to use them.

And if that sounds like something that you'd like help with on a more personal level, then I want to invite you to set up your free call with me. It's a 30 minute zoom call, super simple. You're going to come, you're going to tell me what's going on for you. I'm going to open up space by making you feel comfortable, making you feel loved and supported, and you're going to transform in that call and on that call we're going to decide by the end, if we want to continue working together, and whether or not you decide it's a yes or no, you will leave that call feeling transformed in some way. So you can click the link in my bio. You can go to my website and schedule that call If that sounds like something you want to do.

But for this podcast episode, specifically when you're going to process through resentment, what I want you to do is I want you to get really present with what's happening in your body. When the resentment shows up and maybe it's been showing up as you've been going through this exercise that we've been giving right You've been thinking about these things, these unmet expectations. You've been writing them down and what you wish would have happened. You might even be feeling it right now, in this moment. Right, so you can process through it as I'm walking you through it, if that's the case for you. But this is what you're going to do. You're going to name the feeling, so you're going to say something like I am feeling resentment right now, and then you're going to notice where you feel it in your body and you're going to describe it in physiologic terms so like oh, I feel the resentment in my gut, it feels hard, it feels heavy in my abdomen. My stomach feels tight and tense. I also feel it in my throat. My throat feels a bit constricted and it's hard for me to swallow. My cheeks feel hot and intense or like however it is showing up for you in your body.

This is a really great way to process through your emotions. I want you to sit with it. I want you to sit with those feelings for a few seconds, or a few minutes If you can. If we're not used to feeling emotions, if we're not used to sitting with that discomfort, it can feel very, very uncomfortable. That doesn't mean something has gone wrong. It just means you're not used to it and that's okay. So if it's just a few seconds that you can sit with it, do it for a few seconds, sit with it, feel it, recognize where it is in your body, describe it. Do it as long as you can handle.

But here's the thing about processing through emotions. It's really kind of magical when you notice it in your body and you start to describe it and you get out of your head and the spinning thoughts about it right out of the story and you get into your body. Typically it will just start to dissipate and move through you. And once you notice the dissipation happening, you can say something like ah, it's like an aha moment. Right, it's like ah, I recognize this resentment that I've been holding onto. I'm ready to release it. Aha, like this feels like a release, it feels like I'm ready to release it. Aha, like this feels like a release. It feels like I'm ready to let it go. Or you can say something like I recognize the pain that I have been feeling and I am ready to move on from it, I am ready to let it go. Or something else that feels right and resonant to you. And then I want you to take a cleansing breath and I want you to ground yourself in the present moment. Orient to your surroundings that just basically means like look around the room that you're in or the space that you're in and recognize what you see. Let your eyes actually land on things and see them. That's how you orient and ground.

Okay, so now you've gone through some step to help you move through that resentment and to hopefully begin to let it go. Keep using this practice as often as you need to support yourself, to support your healing, as you go through your divorce. I've given you lots of tools. Use them. You are worthy of it. You deserve it. You deserve to heal and to move on to the best of the rest of your life.

All right, my friends, thank you so much for being here. That is what I have for you today. I love you. If no one has told you in a while, and if you haven't told yourself, you can use mine. You can believe me, I love you, you are loved. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week.

Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoachingcom. That's wwwkarinnelsoncoachingcom. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.