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Ep #104: Growing MIghty With Gratitude | Becoming You Again Podcast

We've all heard the importance of being grateful. We've all been taught to write in a gratitude journal everyday or keep a running list of things we're grateful for. But when we're really struggling with life altering challenges, like divorce, these types of gratitude practices can fall flat. They either feel dismissive of our pain and heartache or they feel like a shaming tactic under the guise of a 'silver lining'.

In this episode I talk about using gratitude as a way to grow mighty by allowing yourself the space you need to feel the pain of your challenge and using gratitude as a positive reappraisal. There are two gratitude practices that no one else is talking about and I share them with you along with examples.

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If you're going through a divorce or are divorced, odds are you've gone through something traumatic. It may show up in how you're constantly second guessing yourself. It may show up in how you feel triggered by even the smallest things. It may show up in never feeling secure in your emotions, always feeling like they are out of control. It may show up in your ability to believe that you're worthy, lovable or capable of living a life on your own. If any of these are resonant with you, then I invite you to schedule your free consult with me and we'll talk about what may be helpful to you to get you through the trauma and begin to heal. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

Featured on this episode:

  1. Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.

  2. Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.

  3. Want to work first hand with Karin so you can stop worrying about what your life will be like after divorce, and instead begin making it amazing today? Click here to apply to work 1:1 with Karin as your coach.

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Full Episode Transcript:

I’m Karin Nelson and you’re listening to Becoming You Again episode number 104.

Welcome to becoming You Again. The podcast to help you with your mental and emotional wellbeing during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the trauma of your divorce by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so your life will be even better than when you were married. I’m your host Karin Nelson.

Hello my friends. Welcome back to the podcast I am so glad that you are here. Today I just want to jump right into the topic because it is on growing mighty with gratitude and entitled the podcast this way for two reasons. The first reason is it is an homage to the Nagoski sisters and the last or second last chapter of the book, Burnout, which I talk about literally all the time on this podcast for you probably get sick of me talking about how much I love this book but there is a chapter at the end where they spend a little bit of time talking about gratitude and how it can kind of help you grow mighty and what I really love about this part of the book is they give the most beautiful practices of gratitude that iMacs are going to be sharing with you today on the podcast but I think it is really important for me to share these because when I read these gratitude practices they were new to me. They weren’t just the same old sit down, keep a gratitude journal, think about things that you are grateful for, all of that kind of stuff, they were different. And I really like the way they are different because they kind of put a different twist on gratitude that I hadn’t ever thought about before and I want to present them to you today in this podcast.

In the second reason is because sometimes when we are going through difficult things like a divorce for instance or something else that is challenging in our lives and then we tell other people that we are struggling, often the response that we get is kind of like, oh well you should just be grateful for what you have. Or yeah but it could just be so much worse. Maybe try practicing being grateful like keep a gratitude journal or something. I’ve heard those are helpful. I believe, I want to believe anyway that the intention behind these words is meant to be helpful. Right? I don’t think people are coming in telling us these things were giving us this advice coming from a mean-spirited intention. But when we are in the midst of struggle and challenge and chaos that kind of advice doesn’t always feel helpful. It kind of actually feels shamey. It almost kind of feels like having a challenge is off limits to us when we have to think about in this other way. It is almost like we are shaming ourselves or we are blaming ourselves for the challenge or for recognizing the challenge or for feeling upset or angry or hurt or betrayed or struggling with the challenge. Because it is like these comments make us feel like we are not supposed to feel that way we should just get over it and move on or something like that. I am not exactly sure what we feel, I am just trying to describe what I have felt sometimes when someone has given me that advice and sometimes what my clients feel. You know what they are sharing their heart and their soul and the tough things that they are going through and it is kind of shot back as like what you should just be grateful. Like look at what you are grateful for. There is so much to be grateful for here and the kind of feels like dismissive in a way. And so I really liked the title of growing mighty with gratitude because I wanted this podcast to hopefully be empowering to you as you go through your challenges. As you go through your divorce. As you go through the months of struggle and rebuilding and healing and all of the things that go into moving on from your divorce by giving yourself permission to be grateful for the good things that you have while at the same time holding space for all of the difficult things that you are struggling with. For all of the challenges that you are having. And not making yourself a wrong for feeling that way or going through those things or recognizing that they are hard.

I don’t want you to use gratitude as a means of forgetting about your problems or diminishing what you are going through. But rather I would love for you if the feels good to you, to use gratitude as a positive reappraisal of things. Use it as a growth to wool rather than a shaming tactic under the guise of look at the silver lining. Okay. So just keep that in mind as we go through and of course with everything that I teach I am just offering you tools that have helped me. That I have learned from. That I have grown from. Tools that I use with my clients. And if something feels right, great I would love for you to take it and run with it and amazing. Practice it in your life. And if it doesn’t feel right. If it is not resonant with you in some way then just leave it behind. Of course nothing that I teach is ever like the way and you have to do it this way or otherwise you will never heal or you will never move on. That is never the case. There are so many different ways and each person is individual and unique and some things work for some people and other things don’t. So don’t feel like everything I teach has to be implemented and is going to work for you. It may or it may not and only you will know.

How can it be possible that we grow mighty with gratitude? There are two gratitude practices, like I mentioned before that the Nagoski sister’s, Emily and Amelia talk about in their book. And the first one is as they have termed, the short term fix. And this is where you are going to focus your gratitude on not what you have which is what we normally are taught. Right? Look around the grateful for what you have. Name things that you have. Write a grateful journal about the things that you have in your life that you are so grateful for. That is how we are taught to be grateful and there is nothing wrong with that. If that works for you keep doing it. Again if that works for you. Leave the rest behind.

But for this one specifically rather than looking at what you have, the focus is to be on who you have. So think of some people in your life at any moment in your life who has helped you. And as Fred Rogers, you know Mr. Rogers, we all love him. I remember watching his show when I was a child and he was such a sweet, kind, loving soul. He explained this in such a beautiful way where he said look for people who have helped you “love the good that grows within you.” It is such a beautiful way of putting it and so I am probably going to refer to that a couple of times throughout this podcast. But think of people throughout moments in your life who have helped you love the good that grows within you.

I was watching the Oscars the other day and this exact thing stood out to me especially with one speech in particular. It was actually a speech for two winners because they were nominated together. It was the two Daniels. I probably should have looked up their last names before this podcast but I didn’t. They were nominated for the Best Directing category and they won together as a team for their movie, Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. Just to give a little shout out to this movie. Please watch it. It is beautiful and amazing and fun and such a great beautiful story of love and acceptance. And it is really, really great. So if you have not watched it. You should. But I digress like I like to do on this podcast sometimes.