Part of what makes us inherently human is the desire to progress, to learn, to evolve, to shed, to grow and one of the most basic ways that we have learned to do that is to set goals for ourselves and then try and figure out how to reach them. This desire to progress doesn’t go away after we get divorced. We still have that part of us that is seeking to do better, be better, evolve to a different more expanded version of ourselves. In today's podcast I will be teaching how to tap into what you really want and then walk you through how to guarantee you will reach your goal no matter what. What I teach you in today's podcast is most likely not something you've heard before when it comes to setting and reaching goals. I'm not teach you about SMART goals, but instead a new way of goal setting and the 3 steps you need to take in order to guarantee you reach your goals. What you'll learn in today's episode:
Why goals are especially important after divorce.
How to figure out what you want.
The one thing that will guarantee you reach your goals.
The simple 3 step process to setting and reaching any goal you set for yourself.
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If you are a divorced woman who feels stagnant. If you are a divorced woman who feels like you are existing but not really living the life you were meant to live. If you are a divorced woman who wants to have a vision or who has one but doesn't know how to make that vision a reality, then it's a good thing you're here because I can help. I will teach you how to figure out what you want, how to get moving forward into the life you truly want - so you can stop existing and start living. Click here to schedule your free discovery session with me.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome back to Becoming You Again. I’m your host Karin Nelson. I’m a certified divorce confidence coach and this is the podcast where I teach you how to reconnect with yourself, create emotional resiliency and live a truly independent life, so you can have an even better life than when you were married.
Welcome back to the podcast, ladies. I am so glad that you are here. I had the opportunity this past week to go to a business seminar and then a personal growth coaching seminar. This is a very unusual occurrence for me, to be outside of my home interacting with other women face to face. Like in person. There is something you need to understand about me. I have worked from home for almost the past 20 years as a medical transcriptionist and as a life coach. So leaving my house for three days straight for 9 hours a day was a very different experience for me. I came home Friday evening feeling so many things. Right? I felt a little tired after the three days out, because I was, there was so much learning going on and I was just soaking up this information. I promised myself before I went that first day that whatever I was supposed to learn and take away from these three days that I would and that I was just going to engage with what connected with me and still listen to the other things but not feel bad about if somebody I didn’t connect with that person in whatever way, right. But I just promised myself that I was really going to make this worth my time and energy and all of the things. And so there was so much learning, so much soaking up information, meeting new people, making new friends. Seeing women I literally haven’t seen in years. I ran into for about 30 seconds one of my childhood best friends. We have spoken once or twice through Facebook but that is it. I have not seen her in person. I got to hug her and say hello. It was so fun even though it was such a quick interaction but like women I have not seen in years. Women I have not met in person. I posted in my Facebook group of women who I was on her and her husband’s podcast a while back but we had never met in person. She was there and we met and we took pictures. It was so much fun for me to be able to have this interaction and this getting out of my comfort zone in my life over these last few days. I got to spend time with my sister-in-law who was there on the last day at the coaching seminar and I came home from Friday feeling all of those things. Amazing, right. Definitely tired was in there as well. I think I mentioned that but maybe not. But I definitely was tired. It was a lot for three days for my brain and my body to really take in. But also, you guys this is the best part, I got home and I just – I was - I just felt so inspired. I felt so connected. So connected to myself and my goals and my dreams and the direction I want to go and really understanding who I am and how I can create even more of the left I want. And so empowered to be able to do those things and I think that is the power of going to seminars is you leave feeling inspired in a new different way. Right?
So I wanted to talk to you today about goals after divorce. Now this is a topic that I’ve been wanting to cover but hadn’t taken the time to figure out exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. And then this week I went to a class that was about goals and almost every single thing they taught in this class was like – I was like, yes, that is how I would like to present it. Yes that is how I work through my goals. Yes. So I decided it was time. I’m going to share with you a lot of the things from this class and a lot of the things that I use in my own personal goal development and growth and I am going to be sharing it with you so that you can apply it to your life right now after divorce. Okay? And stick around because this is not going to be a way of setting and reaching goals that you have probably heard before. I’m not teaching you SMART goals. We all know the SMART goals. Whatever. Stick with those if you want, but I promise you this is something that for most of you, not all of you, but most of you have not heard before when it comes to setting and reaching goals. And this, this way, it might be the difference between you actually creating what you want in your life and reaching the things that you want in your life and not.
And the reason that I wanted to do a podcast on this topic specifically and again as I said before it is topic I have been wanting to cover, just haven’t really done it until now is because we as humans we crave progress. I believe part of what makes us inherently human is a desire to progress, to learn, to evolve, to shed things, to grow and one of the most basic ways that we have learned to do that is to set goals for ourselves and then try to figure out how to reach them. This desire to progress doesn’t go away after we get divorced. We still have that part of us. It’s seeking, it’s that part of us that is seeking to do better, to be better, to evolve to a different more expanded version of ourselves. Divorce doesn’t take that away. That part of us is still present and so I wanted to do this podcast for those of you who are feeling that desire once again. It maybe has been on mute for a little as you’ve been processing through the negative emotions and grieving what was, and dealing with so many of the things that we face as we go through a divorce. But for some of you your human nature has reignited and has turned off the mute button with this goal desire and you are now asking, now what? Well we are going to talk about it today.
I want to talk to a little bit about commitment. What does commitment mean? Here’s what commitment means according to the dictionary. Commitment means a promise or an agreement to do something. Now, listen, I understand that many of us in this audience have felt let down by others in our lives when it comes to commitment. Right? I know who my audience is. I know that you’re all women struggling through a divorce or after divorce. I get it. But today I want to use this word, commitment, in relation to you and your own commitment to yourself. Think about it in terms of making a promise or an agreement to do something with yourself. To do something for yourself. And this is really important because if you’ve been let down in the past by broken commitments from other people, then you are going to have to be the one to show up in your life doing what you say you’re going to do. Because the number one way that will guarantee you reach your goal is through commitment.
So let’s talk about what commitment really is. Now I gave you the definition but what commitment really is, it’s a feeling. When we feel committed we show up in our lives. We do things that will move us closer to what it is that we actually really want. Because commitment means that no matter. No matter what I am reaching that thing. I am creating that thing. I will get that thing. Right? Commitment means I’m going to keep going until I reach it because that is what I’ve decided and I will keep deciding it.
So here’s what commitment is not: Commitment is not wanting. It’s not dreaming. It’s not desiring. It’s not inspired. It’s not even motivation. Those are all amazing, beautiful things. Those are all positive feelings that I want you to feel along the way. Along this journey of working toward your goal. Right? But those feelings; wanting, desiring, inspired, motivation, they will not continue to drive you forward like commitment will.
There are three steps to guaranteeing reaching your goals and I’m going to talk about each of these steps. The first one is take inventory, the second one is get honest and the third one is make and honor the decision to commit.
Alright so step one, we’re going to take inventory. This is where I really want you to have fun and play with this because we don’t allow ourselves to do that very often as moms. Right? What does taking inventory even mean? Taking inventory means you are in a space of wanting. You have to answer the question, what do I want? Because if you don’t even know what you want then what is even the point of setting a goal. We all have wants. Even if aren’t quite sure what your want is because we haven’t asked yourself or you have not allowed yourself to answer it or be honest with yourself. I know that even if that is the case, you do have wants somewhere. Inside of you. You just need to uncover them. And so that is your job. Your job now is to uncover what some of those wants are. So do it now (unless you’re driving). Please don’t write and drive at the same time if you are listening to this. But if you’re home or you are in a place or you can sit down and write for like five minutes, please do this. Take a couple of minutes and write out 5 to 10 things that you want. They can be big, they can be small. They can be ridiculous. They can be outlandish. They can be the tiniest thing in the world or anywhere in between. That’s totally up to you. But give yourself permission to write down some things that maybe you’ve never told anyone that you actually want. Or maybe you’ve been too afraid to even say out loud that you want. Or maybe you’ve known for a really long time you want this thing but you just aren’t sure how to get it. Those are the things I want you to write down. Now is your chance. So write them down. There is no right or wrong here. And I want to remind you this is personal to you. It doesn’t matter if this wouldn’t be your neighbor’s goal or your sister’s goal or your ex-husband’s goal. It is your goal. It is your want. And that is the only thing that matters.
So I’m going to tell you some of mine while you are thinking and writing out yours:
- I want to be THE divorce coach for women when it comes to helping them create more self love, more confidence and a better life after divorce.
- I want to own a house in a smaller town in England within the next 10 years.
- I want to take my kids on solo one-on-one trips to anywhere in the world they want to go and then when we are there we are going to stay at The Four Seasons Hotel or some equivalent posh hotel.
- I want to have 1 million downloads on my podcast within the next year.
So those were some of mine. I had more when I went through this process and you will too most likely and it is great. They can be whatever you want. But you have to write them down otherwise we have no place to start.
So now you’ve written out your wants you’re going to want to pick one to be your goal. Just one. Just pick. No right or wrong here. They are all amazing. K? Not one is better than the other. You just pick one. Doesn’t even matter where you start. And that is going to now lead us to our next step in guaranteeing we reach the goal which is get honest.
Now getting honest with ourselves can be uncomfortable because it’s where you get to ask yourself where you sit on the spectrum between wanting and committing. Now wanting is very important. Right? It’s exactly what we just did - taking inventory. We found out what you want and now you have the opportunity to be honest about it with yourself. I want you to picture a scale of 1 to 10 in your head. And at one end is the number one and that is where wanting lies, on number one. And then at the other end is 10 and that is commitment. You job right now is to be honest and ask yourself where you are on that spectrum at any given time. So right now, ask yourself where am I at that my commitment level to reach this goal? Write it down. Anywhere between one and 10. Right. Write that number down. Just keep that for a minute. I am going to come back to that.
So for example, if your goal was to lose 25 pounds in 12 months. This is your want, right? You want to lose 25 pounds in 12 months. That is at a 1. That is your want right now. And then you ask yourself everyday, how confident am I that I will create this goal . That I will get to commitment and really go after it between one and 10. And then you are honest with yourself. Okay today I’m kind of feeling a 4. Like maybe not super committed. I am not quite there yet. Okay. We do not have to get mad about what number we set. It is not for judgment. It is just to give us information. That is how this goes. When we are on our journey to reaching our goals we want to beat ourselves up for how we are feeling. It’s just how we are feeling. It is fine. It is just information. Okay. So we are a 4. Then when you know your number then you ask yourself why did I give it that number? Meaning why is that my commitment level today? What is going on in my head that is telling me I can’t quite get to 10. This is maybe too hard. Right, that could be one. Well it’s just too hard. I don’t how to do it. I don’t know the steps. Those are some of your thoughts. You’re going to write down all of your thoughts of why you put down that number. Everything that comes up for you.
So you write it out. That could be one. It is too hard. I do not know how to do it. I do not know the next steps. Or it could be things like you know I write out my plan and then I just never end up sticking to it. Or I don’t know if I’m going to have time to go for a walk today. Or I really hate drinking water and so I know that’s going to be a big struggle for me. Or I really do want to lose weight but there is a lot that goes into that I’m just not sure I can get there.
So those are some maybe thoughts that might be going on. Maybe the reasons why you wrote down a 4. I want you to just write them all out. We are just using this offer information. It is not to judge what is going on in your brain. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not you. I really want you to understand that. We’re just trying to get the information out so we have to understand what is happening for us to be able to problem solve for that as we move toward our goal. Alright? So you write out your thoughts. You now have a roadmap of all of the obstacles that might get in your way to committing, to staying committed to reaching your goal.
When I worked with Karin Nelson as my divorce coach I worked on myself from the inside out. Best of all, I learned to love and forgive myself through my divorce. I found me again and started putting my needs first. I learned to create healthy boundaries without people pleasing or being codependent. I found my confidence again and I am proud of who I’ve become. I would tell any woman who is going through a divorce that if you are struggling to know who you are or if you’re struggling to believe that your life can be good again, then you need to work with Karin as your coach. She helps you see that your life doesn’t end with divorce, and it’s really the beginning of something new and amazing. If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, click the link in the show notes to find out more about how to work with Karin Nelson.
So you take a look at all of these obstacles and then you write out your strategy to overcoming that obstacle for yourself. Pretty smart, right. I think this should be the SMART goals because this seems like pretty obvious that if you have an obstacle that you want to figure out how to get around that obstacle. How to make it work for you.
So in the example that I gave, one of the obstacles was I just might not stick to my plan because I haven’t in the past. Well the strategy might be, Okay I’m going to start with a plan that I know I will stick to. That is like a no brainer. I’m going to make my plan so easy that I’m not going to break my promise to myself and I’m going to start there and get really good at doing that. And then I can slowly start changing my plan little by little. Instead of trying to do it like cold turkey, eating perfect if all you’ve been eating is like cookies and cupcakes which is what I want to eat constantly all day long. Right. I’m not going to just go to eating salads every second of the day. No. Of course you’re not going to keep that promise to yourself. So we’re going to make it easy. Our strategy is to write out our plan to something that we are going to keep so it will be very easy for us to keep our word to ourself. We are going to start there.
Another obstacle was I don’t know if I have time for a walk today. Okay. So maybe a strategy could be I am going to put in my calendar and when that time comes up in my calendar I do it because it is on my calendar and I honor my word to myself. So if I am going to go – I have time at 7 o’clock. Okay I am going for a half hour walk at 7 o’clock and it is in my calendar and it pops up on my phone, time for a walk, and I am like ugh, I do not really feel like doing a walk and I am like but I committed to doing a walk at 7 o’clock and it is in my calendar. Let’s go. We now have our roadmap and you do that for all the obstacles that come up. All of those thoughts that came into your head. Or I don’t know how I’m going to do this. Okay. What’s the next best step that I can take. Figure that out. Take that step. These are all things that you can do. You just have to make your brain work. I promise you, you are capable of doing this. It might seem scary but it’s not. Just write down your thoughts, figure out a plan. Write down your obstacles. Figure out your strategy.
And that leads us to the final step and that is to make and honor the decision to commit. This starts with vocalizing it to yourself. Or to others if you are brave. So you have your want, you wrote it down. Now I want you to commit to it. Say it out loud to yourself. Say it on video. Tell a friend. Your kids. Whoever you want. But vocalize it to the universe, okay. And say it like this, I am committed to … and then you get to fill in that blank of whatever it is that you are committing to do.
So that is the first step to honoring the decision to commit. The next step is to begin to think differently so that you can create that feeling of commitment more in your life. So remember the scale, right, the scale of 1 to 10. Side one we’ve got wanting, side 10 we’ve got commitment and every day we are going to ask ourselves where am I at in that scale? We are going to write it down and then I want you go back to that scale and I want you to ask yourself this question. What would I need to think to be a 10/10? What would I need to think to be fully committed?
Now the way you do this. You might be like, I don’t know. I don’t know what I would be thinking if I was fully committed. Like if I was fully committed I would already probably have it. Right? Yes. You’re right, but this is the little tip, the little hack that I’m going to give you on how to figure out what you would be thinking.
You picture yourself having already met your goal or having already met a milestone even along the way. Okay. What is that version of you thinking about your goal once you’ve met it? Once you’ve got to that place. What are you thinking in your head. Because you’re not having any of these thoughts of like, it’s too hard. I can’t do it. I don’t know the steps. I can’t go for a walk today. You’re not having any of those. Right? So what are you thinking as that version of yourself. I’m going to give you some ideas but you do this on your own and I promise you, you will amaze yourself with the thoughts that come into your head. And write them down.
So going back to the example, right, and let’s picture this woman, she lost 25 pounds within the year. What is she thinking? She might be thinking something like I can trust myself to do what I say I’ll do and that feels so good. Or that was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. Or I love feeling in control of what goes into my mouth. There’s so many other things that could come up but you write down whatever comes into your head of what you will be thinking as that person. Write them down. Because those are the thoughts you’re going to use to help you feel committed to your goal all along the way. And once you feel committed you will start taking the actions – and this is key you guys. This is where it happens. Once you feel committed you will start taking actions that you need to take to take to get you step by step closer to your goal finally reaching your goal – to the thing that you want.
I’m getting so excited about this. This is an amazing topic. I love it and I really, I know, I believe with all my heart that if you follow this recipe for reaching your goals and you stay committed and show up for yourself every day asking yourself these questions and doing this work you will reach your goal because you will have the action plan. You will feel so committed that you will take the steps even when they are scary. Even when it is hard. Even when you do not know. You will take the next best step and you will get to your goal.
And make sure that you check in regularly with yourself during your journey. I personally do the scale of 1 to 10 on a daily basis. I learned that scale for my business coach and I use it in my business goals and in my regular life goals because it is so smart and so easy to implement every single day. And so I ask myself on a scale of 1 to 10 where am I today? What am I thinking? Why? And then I write out all the reasons why. What is going on in my head and I just take a look at them and then I ask myself that very important question what do I need to be thinking to be a 10 out of 10? Because that is what helps me continue to create that feeling of commitment on a daily basis for the thing that I’m working toward and it will help you too.
That is how you can guarantee for yourself being able to reach your goals. I want you to know, and hear me when I say this, your wants and your desires are worthy. They are personal to you and they are valid. You have every right to create a life full of your wants and your desires and these three steps will help you create that in your life.
That is what I have for you today. Go set some goals. I love you all so much. I’ll be back next week.
If you like what you heard on today’s podcast and you want to know more about working 1:1 with me, you can go to www.karinnelsoncoaching.com and schedule your free consult to find out more. That’s www dot Karin nelson coaching dot com.
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