This week's problem comes from Kate.
Welcome to Friday Flip on the Becoming You Again podcast. Every Friday I take your divorce problems, conundrums and questions and do a quick flip around to empower you to show up as the best you after divorce.
Kate is struggling with comparing herself to her ex's girlfriend, even when she knows better. Listen in as I teach her how best to handle this for herself and how coming up with a plan beforehand will help you when the comparison trap surprises you in the future.
You don't have to continue to let your thoughts about yourself be dictated by what you ex thought of you, by what your ex's new girlfriend looks like, or anything else that keeps playing on repeat in your head of why you're not good enough. I can help you reprogram your brain for kindness and love for you. Set up your free consult with me and I'll walk you through how we will make it happen together. Click here to schedule.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome to Friday Flip on the Becoming You Again podcast. Every Friday I take your divorce problems, conundrums and questions and do a quick flip around to empower you to show up as the best you after divorce.
Kate is asking for some help today when it comes to comparison. She says, “I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend the other night. I kept a smile on my face until after they left and then I went downhill fast. It’s hard not to compare myself to her. I told myself I need to stop focusing on what I’m not and remember who I am, but it’s much easier said than done. How can I get out of the comparison trap, even when I know better?”
Alright Kate, thank you so much for asking this question. It can feel hard to get out of the comparison trap when you’re stuck in it. But here’s why it’s so important to do so. Because what you need most when you’re stuck in the comparison trap is softness with yourself, kindness with yourself, warmth and love. None of those will come from comparing yourself to her.
I know on the surface you know this, but comparing will only hurt you. It will only tear you down. It will only make you feel mentally, physically and emotionally spent and like you are not good enough. So when your brain wants to tell you all the reasons you’re not good enough or all the reasons you’re not as good as her, I want you to gently remind yourself that what you need most right now is softness, kindness, warmth and love. Then figure out one way that you can give that to yourself in this moment. This can be something that you can even decide beforehand.
I want you to think about how you want to show up for yourself with softness, kindness, warmth, love the next time you feel that comparison creeping in. Have a plan for yourself to take care of yourself so when it happens in the future you are ready. So that you give yourself what you need in that moment.
Your brain is going to keep trying to find ways to compare yourself to others. It’s going to feel a little uncomfortable and it’s going to feel a little hard to not step into that trap of comparison, even when you know better because it’s a habit you’ve created over time. We all do. This is something that we learn through society is to compare ourselves to other people. So it can be a hard habit to break, but not impossible. Just be prepared with your plan beforehand of how you’re going to take care of you when that comparison trap slips itself into your brain. That’s why having the plan of how you’re going to show up for you with kindness, with softness, with warmth and love is so important. Then you’re not caught off guard. You know exactly what to do to get out of the comparison trap.
You’ll eventually get to the place where it feels really easy and really good to love yourself and give yourself kindness when you need it and comparison to others will start to seem really foreign and out of place and uncomfortable and you won’t want to go there as often. And that’s a really great place to be. But I promise you in the meantime if you have that plan for yourself of how you’re going to show yourself love and warmth and compassion kindness and softness you’ll be ready for the next time that comparison wants to slip in.
Thanks for your question Kate. You’ve got this. I’ll talk to you next week.
That’s your Friday flip! Stay tuned for the weekly podcast episode that comes out every Monday. And remember if you want more one on one help from me as your divorce coach to help you create an even better life than when you were married, then you need to schedule your free consult with me by going to www.karinnelsoncoaching.com Remember that’s Karin with an ‘I’.
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