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Friday Flip: Upset Teens

This week's Question comes from Calista.




Welcome to Friday Flip on the Becoming You Again podcast. Every Friday I take your divorce problems, conundrums and questions and do a quick flip around to empower you to show up as the best you after divorce.


Calista is feeling hurt by her teenage daughter who doesn't respect her rules. She needs some help knowing how to handle the hurt and show up as the parent she wants to be.


Listen in as I give Calista some guidance on recognizing what's really going on for her, her daughter and what she can do to be the mom she wants to be.


Parenting is hard and single parenting is no joke. If you're struggling to figure out how to be the kind of parent you want to be, while your ex is doing things at his house completely different, then you need to schedule a free consult with me. We'll talk about the struggles you're having as a single parent and I'll show you where I think some work can be done. You don't have to be an angry, confused single parent. Click here to schedule your free consult with me.


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Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Friday Flip on the Becoming You Again podcast. Every Friday I take your divorce problems, conundrums and questions and do a quick flip around to empower you to show up as the best you after divorce.


Hi welcome back to Friday Flip. Today’s question comes from Calista. She writes, “My teen got upset with me for setting rules about her phone. My ex doesn’t make any rules that she has to follow but I have set up rules at my house and she’s always upset about them, rolling her eyes and telling me that I’m mean and that she’s going to pack up and move to her dad’s. I know she’s doing this to hurt me, and it does hurt. How do I get through this?”


Calista thanks for your question. First I want to make sure you understand that anything your daughter says or does isn’t hurting you. It’s the meaning that you’re giving her words and actions that is what’s hurting you. What are you making it mean about you that she is upset and rolling her eyes and threatening to leave? Why is all of that a problem for you personally? What are you making it mean?


My guess is that it has something to do with you making it mean you’re doing it wrong as a mom or maybe you’re not a very good mom because you set rules and her dad doesn’t. You’re going to have to answer those questions for yourself but it’s important for you to understand why this matters to you because that awareness will help you see why you’re actually feeling hurt that has nothing really to do with the way your daughter is acting or what she is saying.


And second, let’s slow down and think about why she might be acting the way she is. How does it make sense that she would be upset, that she would be rolling her eyes and threatening to leave? It makes perfect sense that she is acting this way. So why?


I’m going to tell you. It’s because she is a teenager. Do you know what teenagers do? They get upset over rules. They roll their eyes at things they think are dumb or they don’t understand. They make threats because they want our attention in some way. Right?


So her behaving in this way has literally nothing to do with you or your parenting or even the rules and it has everything to do with her teenage brain working perfectly. She is doing what teenagers do. It makes sense. She doesn’t know how to process her emotions properly. She doesn’t even have a fully developed brain. She’s not going to like rules. And that’s ok.


Now I’m not saying you just give her permission to be a big brat and speak to you in a way that you don’t want to be spoken to or you know not obey the rules were there are just no consequences and you just don’t care anymore. That is not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is you can kind of understand where she is coming from and why she is acting the way she is acting. And it’s okay that she is acting that way because she is a teenager. It doesn’t mean you do not enforce the rules. It doesn’t mean you don’t have consequences for your rules. None of that. It just means you can kind of see where she is coming from.


You don’t need her to understand why you have rules. And you don’t need her to like the rules you’ve set as her mother for you to believe that you you’re doing a good job. Or for you to believe that these rules are for her benefit and will serve her in the long run. She doesn’t have to know any of that. She doesn’t have to agree with any of that. The only person who has to know that and who has to agree to that is you.


She can be upset and act like a teenager and you can still have rules and love your daughter and enforce consequences as much as you want. You can still have your own back and believe that these rules are there for her benefit. Because when you have your own back and trust that you’re a good mom and that you’re showing up in the way you want to as her mother, her words and her actions the don’t have such a strong effect on you.


That was a great question. Thank you so much for that, Calista. I will talk to you next week.


That’s your Friday flip! Stay tuned for the weekly podcast episode that comes out every Monday. And remember if you want more one on one help from me as your divorce coach to help you create an even better life than when you were married, then you need to schedule your free consult with me by going to www.karinnelsoncoaching.com Remember that’s Karin with an ‘I’.



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