Ep 207: What To Do With Your Divorce Anger | Becoming You Again Podcast

Anger is perhaps the most misunderstood emotion in a woman's divorce journey. While society readily accepts men's anger, women are often told to push it down, stay calm, or avoid this powerful emotion altogether. This harmful double standard creates an additional barrier to healing that we need to address head-on.

In this empowering episode, I break down exactly what anger is from a neurological perspective - a survival response originating in our amygdala, designed to protect us when we feel threatened. By understanding the distinction between anger-triggering thoughts, the physical sensations in your body, and your behavioral responses, you gain the clarity needed to process this emotion in healthy ways.

The heart of this episode offers seven practical, accessible techniques to process anger safely without damaging relationships or suppressing your emotions. From physical approaches like wall-pushing and "rage dancing" to more subtle practices like controlled breathing and self-holding that can be done anywhere, you'll discover methods that resonate with your unique needs. I share my personal favorites (including singing at the top of my lungs when no one's around!) and explain why finding your own go-to techniques is essential for long-term emotional resilience.

Most importantly, you'll learn that anger itself isn't the problem - it's a normal, natural human emotion that deserves space in your healing journey. The real issues arise when we react impulsively or push anger down, pretending it doesn't exist. By developing intentional ways to process this powerful emotion, you reclaim your right to feel everything without judgment, take back your power, and move closer to becoming yourself again.

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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

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Full Episode Transcript:

If you're a woman going through a divorce and you are just tired you're tired of being told it was your fault, you're tired of being made the bad one, you're tired of believing that you've ruined your life and your kids' lives then Becoming you Again, this podcast, is for you. This is the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn the confidence and the self-trust you need to move forward, and where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world. Where you learn the confidence and the self-trust you need to move forward, and where you learn to break down beliefs that aren't serving you anymore and replace them with new ones instead. You are listening to Becoming you Again, episode number 207, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, I am so glad that you're here.

Of course, as always, this episode I'm going to be talking about anger. I think I've done one other episode where I talk specifically about anger, and I think this is something that we really need to be talking about as women, because in this world that we live in, in this day and age, in this society that we live in, women are not allowed to get angry. Men, of course, of course, are allowed to get angry. In fact, men are kind of taught that they're not emotional beings except for anger. That's the one emotion that they seem to be allowed and I'm putting allowed in quotes because this is society that kind of allows it right that they are allowed to have anger, but other than that, they are just not considered emotional beings. They don't feel emotions. They're just more logical than we are as women. And I'm calling bullshit on this because, number one, we are all just human beings and the one facet of being a human that makes us different than every other living thing on this planet is that we feel emotions and we often use those emotions, probably to our detriment more often than not to guide our decisions, to guide our actions. So to say that one group of people feels emotions and has more emotions and reacts to those emotions more often than the other is simply a lie. But that's not the point of this podcast episode.

The point of this podcast episode is that I want you to get in touch with, and open up to and allow the anger that you might be feeling because of your divorce. Now I'm going to make some distinctions as I go through this podcast episode, because when I'm talking about opening up to, and allowing and processing through the anger, I am not saying all men are bad, by the way. Okay, don't get me wrong. I love men. I think men are amazing. I have an amazing partner at this point in my life and I'm at the point where I've healed enough that I can say I love my ex Not I am in love with him. I would never want to get back with him, but I love him. I think he's a great dad. I think he's a great guy. Think he's a great dad, I think he's a great guy. So I'm not doing, I'm not saying these things to like put down every man.

I don't think that men in general are bad. I think they've been raised in a patriarchal system that really does a disservice to them as much as it does a disservice to women, and part of that disservice to men is is teaching them that feeling their emotions and learning how to process through their emotions is bad and wrong. But think about any man who reacts in an abusive way toward another man or toward women. That is them reacting to their anger, their anger. And so when I talk about allowing and processing through your anger as it comes up, as you feel it, I am not talking about reacting to it. And reacting doesn't just show up in abuse, in punching and hitting and throwing, but it also could be reactions through yelling, through screaming.

And I'm also not talking about pushing it down, pretending like you don't have it, pretending like it's not there, pushing it so far down inside of you that I literally hear that description in books that I read all of the time, in movies that I see all of the time where women are just told to like, just push to like, just push it down, just pretend like it's not there. I'm not talking about that either, because that also is not healthy and is not going to help you move through the emotion, it's going to keep you disconnected from your body, it's going to keep you disconnected from your brain and it's going to keep you disconnected from your intuition. And I don't want any of those for you, because the more you can reconnect those three parts of you, those three magical, amazing, beautiful, powerful parts of you your brain, your body and your intuition the more capable you are going to be of living a life that is exactly the life that you want, because you are going to feel confident in a life that is exactly the life that you want, because you are going to feel confident in making decisions that are right for you. You are going to love yourself through the good stuff and the bad stuff. You are going to show up and have your back. You are going to validate yourself and believe and see and know and understand your worth, and you are going to listen to when you need to take a break, to when you need to say no, to when you need to stand up for yourself, to when you need to set boundaries, to when you need to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, to be present, to heal all of the things, and opening up to allowing and processing through the anger that you might be feeling because of your divorce is an important step in your healing.

So why do we have anger? Well, I think it's important to understand that we have anger because it's a part of our habitual primitive brain response. We have this primitive brain response. We have this primitive brain. It's in, it's located in our amygdala and it's been passed down through our DNA, through generations and generations since the beginning of time. The amygdala was very, very important. It still is important in our life today. But we also have a different part of our brain called the prefrontal cortex that's a little bit more logical, more reasonable, more decision making, more problem solving part of our brain. But the amygdala, the primitive part of our brain, is the part of our brain that is most concerned with survival, that is most concerned with keeping us alive no matter what. And this is an important part of our brain, right? It's the part that when we feel threatened in any way, we either fight, flight or freeze. Okay, and that anger is part of the fight mode of our amygdala. It shows up when we feel attacked, when we feel threatened, when we feel like our survival is imminent, and we need to protect that survival in some way.

But the problem is with anger, just like with so many of the other emotions that we feel in our life, is that nobody teaches us what to do with that emotion. Nobody teaches us how to deal with it. Nobody teaches us how to open up to it and process through it in a safe way, where we aren't hurting ourselves because of the decisions that we're making when we react to that anger, when we're not hurting other people because of the actions we might be taking, the things we might be saying, the distance we might be putting between us and the relationships in our lives that we want to be close to. Nobody teaches us how to just create a safe space where we can feel and allow the anger to be present and to work through it in our body, to process through it in a safe way. And so that's what I want to teach you today is that you can have the anger about your divorce, about your ex, about his actions, about not being able to be with your kids all the time, about not having the same financial situation that you had before, about not getting the life that you thought you were going to have when you got married or about something else, right? There's probably way more reasons of why you might be angry that I haven't even touched on, and I want you to know that it's okay to feel that way. We're going to validate that anger, but I'm going to teach you some ways in this podcast episode to open up to and to allow that anger to work through you, to process through you, because the best way to heal from your divorce so that you can move on and create whatever kind of life you absolutely want, is to be present with the emotions that you're feeling in the moments, and the only way to be present is to open up to them, to allow them to be inside of you. So I'm going to teach you some things to be able to do that when that anger flares.

Okay, so let me go back to this idea of what anger specifically is, because when I'm talking about it, I am referring to the emotion that is inside your body. Anger is not the thoughts that you are having in your head before that sensation of anger feels shows up in your body. Okay, the thoughts are like I can't believe my ex is doing that thing again. Right, that's, that's a thought that's creating anger in your body, or I mean it's probably even more intense than what I just did. I didn't even. I could have acted out some very angry moment of thoughts, but didn't want to.

Right, I don't want you to, I don't want to trigger you on this podcast. I hope I don't trigger you. There probably are times when I might, but I hope that I don't so. But just go back to the last time you were angry over something that happened in your divorce. What were you thinking? Those are the thoughts that are creating anger. That is different than the actual sensation and the actual vibrations that you are having in your body.

Okay, so I want I really want to make this distinction that you don't get them confused. Don't confuse the thoughts that you're having about the anger, or about the things that are making you feel anger right, with the actual sensations and feelings that are happening in side your body. And I also don't want you to confuse the sensations that you're having in your body with actions that might be taken or the reactions that might be taken. Okay, and I talked about what those might look like earlier in this podcast. But I really want to make that distinction because anger is the actual one word, emotion, and it's showing up inside your body. All of those things are separate the thoughts, the anger inside your body and the reactions or actions that you have to it. And so by making that distinction, I really want you to understand that anger itself it is not bad. It is not bad or wrong to feel anger. To feel anger.

Anger feels really powerful and intense because it is attached to that accompanying primal instinct of fight, of protect, of defend. It's part of our nervous system response right. So when you feel anger, your muscles, they automatically want to go into action to protect you. So, instead of reacting to or pushing down or resisting or ignoring our anger, what I want to teach you is I want to provide you tools for your brain and your body to process through that anger in a safe, intentional way. And here are some ideas on how to do that. Try some out. One is not a fit for everyone. Remember we're all individual, we are all unique, we are all different and some things are going to work better for me than they are for you and vice versa. So try a couple of these when you really want to take some moments to work through that anchor and see what resonates with you, see what works best with you and your body and your brain, and then use that as a go-to to go back to over and over again.

Because here's the thing about emotions we don't just like feel it one time and then you process through it and then you're like, okay, good, oh, now I never have to feel anger again, like, uh, no, I'm actually a human and I'm going to feel all the emotions all the time throughout my life, not every moment. I'm not on a roller coaster. I know, when you're going through a divorce it definitely feels like that. I remember that feeling of being on a roller coaster, of I cannot stop feeling the anger, the sadness, the frustration, the betrayal, the grief, the rejection, the sadness, like all of the things. Right, it just felt like it was all of the time. But once you're able to heal from some of that, you'll have some like pretty neutral moments and then you'll have a flash of like anger or sadness, or happiness or joy or peace or whatever. But once you know what works for you to allow and open up to and process through the anger, you can go back to that when it flares again, all right.

So here are some things for you to try to work through the anger that you might be feeling because of your divorce or for whatever other reason. It doesn't specifically have to be for your divorce, but because this is a divorce podcast, of course I got to mention that, right, okay, so try some of these out, see what works for you. All right, you can push against a wall until your body doesn't want to push anymore and it gets fatigued Like. You can do this with your fists, you can do it with open palms, you can do it with your back, pressing against the wall, like whatever works for you, right, but press against the wall until until your body is like Nope, I'm done, I'm tired. That could be like 30 seconds for me, because I'm kind of weak I need to get better at lifting my weights in the gym but for me it'd probably be like not that long, maybe not even 30 seconds. Maybe it could be like a couple of minutes if you're very fit and you got a lot of anger to process through. But whatever it is, listen to your body and try it out. Maybe do it for 10 seconds, take a break. Do it for 20 seconds, take a break out. Maybe do it for 10 seconds, take a break. Do it for 20 seconds, take a break. Do it for 30 seconds, take a break. You can kind of do it like an intervals, right? See what works for you. Play around with this.

This next one is literally my go-to. I love this way of working through my anger and I have, I gotta say, I've been doing this quite a lot this year in this political climate that we're in. There've been a lot of things that I have really been feeling angry about and I have used this many, many times and we are only like not that far into the year. So this one is rage dance. I have a playlist of songs that I like to play that are intense. They're like the beat is dropping and they're like powerful and like strong and whatever right. I have my own playlist and I turn that on when I am just feeling so overwhelmed with anger and then I dance intensely to it. I punch pillows and I stomp my feet and I throw my fists in the air and I'm going like crazy to these songs and just processing through and allowing the anger to move through me. So try that, if that sounds like it might resonate with you, pick a playlist of songs, find some songs that really like speak to you and the anger that you might be feeling and then just let it go.

You could try drawing or painting or some other form of rage art to allow what's inside of you to come out onto paper or canvas. I don't know if you guys watch this show, severance I know I talked about it a couple of weeks ago on the podcast, but one of the characters, irving he does that right His outie, his person who's on the outside living his life, not the person who works in the office, but his person on the outside. He rage paints and it's one specific painting and he turns on like a kind of a rage driven song and that is how he works out his anger. So try that. If you're a creative person, if you love to draw, if you love to paint or some other kind of art form, maybe try that and see if that helps you process through some of the anger that you're feeling. You can also clench your fists and tighten your muscles until they naturally just want to unclench. I just literally did it as I was saying that sentence and then my my hands just like naturally unclenched. Now I'm not feeling anger right now, so maybe that's why it was so quick to dissipate. But like, try it out, like if you have a lot of anger because of your divorce and you are having a hard time finding moments to process through and to let it go, and you're like but I'm so busy I'm working, and then I'm with my kids, and then I'm with the PTA, and then I'm driving drop off and I'm doing all of these things and I'm just too busy to do any of these things.

Guess what? There are some that you can do when you're around other people and they don't even know you're doing it, clenching your fists and feeling the tension in your fists until they naturally want to unclench. You can totally do that around other people. Did you know that you can? You can try the plank pose or the chair pose, the yoga chair pose, until you just can't do it anymore. Those ones probably do not resonate with me because I'm not a huge fan of plank pose, but maybe that's why I should try it Again. I already know my go-tos, but it doesn't mean I can't try something new and I want to remind you of the same thing. If you haven't found a go-to, try a couple and see. And if you really love yoga, if you really love the power poses, this might be a good one for you, like plank pose or chair pose until you just can't do it anymore. You could use your voice to make sounds, that kind of release, that anger, and release that energy. You can growl, you can scream, you can do um, you can sigh out loud, you can sing Like.

Have you ever heard anyone talk about singing with your full, real voice, no matter what it sounds like? And again, you don't have to do it around other people. But I have heard this described and there might even be a word for it. If there is. I'm not aware of what the word is, but it's this thing where you just allow yourself to sing with your full voice. Whatever that voice sounds like Doesn't mean it has to be good, doesn't mean it has to be professional, or maybe if you're a great singer, then go for it. But either way, I do this sometimes. This is another one of my go-tos.

I'll turn on a song that I really, really like. I think right now my favorite one to use is Pink Pony Club by Chapel Roan. But I'll turn that song on and then I will just. I mean, I'm not a good singer guys. I can sing, but I am not great at it. But I will just sing with my full voice and I do it when nobody's home, so I don't have to feel embarrassed or feel judged. And I just sing when nobody's home, so I don't have to feel embarrassed or feel judged and I just sing with my full voice, all of the highs, all of the lows, all of the all of it, and it really just lets me process through whatever feeling is happening inside my body.

So use your voice. Your voice can be a huge release of energy and anger in moments when you need it. And what's really great about doing it in this way, where you growl or you scream or you sing in that way, you're not using it in the typical way where you might have been showing up previously to react to your anger by yelling or using your voice directed at someone else. Because if we know one thing, we know that when we yell and scream and direct our anger at other people through that version of yelling and screaming, right, it creates distance that we might not want to be creating in some of our relationships. So continue to use your voice if that feels like a way for you to process through, but use it in a more safe, controlled environment. That is going to work for you. Growl, scream, um, sing out loud, scream, fuck you at the top of your lung to whoever you want to direct it toward, but just say it like in the privacy of your own home while you're doing your processing of your emotions.

You can try box breathing. I've talked about this. I think I actually have an episode where I literally just walk you through how to box breathe. But just like briefly, I'll kind of tell you what it is. It's basically you control your inhale up to a count of six. You pause at the tip for another count of six. You control your exhale down for a count of six and then you pause at the bottom for a count of six. I'm saying count of six, like you can do box breathing for as long as you like to. I think I've also described it as like counts of four. You can do it counts of two. If any of those numbers sound too hard or feel too hard, right, you do this until you feel your nervous system activation start to decrease, until you start to feel more settled, more calm, more peaceful. It doesn't mean you're going to be completely peaceful. It doesn't mean you're going to be completely calm, but you do it until you start to feel your nervous system activation, responding and realigning.

You can try self-holding. This is kind of a gentle way of working through that anger. Right Again, this could be something that you could do around other people and they just might not even know that you're doing it. But this is where you're going to just sit comfortably, stand comfortably. You're going to wrap your arms around your arms, your rib cage, however, you can wrap your arms around yourself and you're going to apply just the right amount of pressure inwards. So, in other words, you're going to give yourself a hug. Doesn't that sound so lovely? Like, oh, maybe, sometimes, when you're feeling anger, what you need is just a hug. You're allowed to do that for yourself. As you do this, you're going to feel your body breathing into your hands and you're going to feel your arms wrapped around your rib cage and around each other and you're going to feel supported. Do this for as long as you need until you recognize your nervous system is downregulating.

I want you to remember your anger that you are feeling. It is not bad, it is not wrong. You are not bad or wrong for feeling it. It doesn't mean that you're broken. It doesn't mean that you should be over it by now. Anger is normal. It is a natural human emotion and there is nothing wrong with feeling it. The only problem with anger comes when we react to it in an unsafe manner, when we push it down and don't allow it to be a part of our life, or when we try and ignore it and pretend like it's not there. You can work through your anger in a safe, intentional manner. You can process through it and you can allow it. Try some of these out and see which ones help you do that.

Thank you so much for listening. I love you all. You are amazing.

You are worthy. I hope that you are learning to believe that. If this podcast is helping you in any way, I ask that you take just a minute and text this episode to somebody who might need it. Whether they're going through a divorce or not, everybody feels anger, and somebody who's out there that you know might need to hear exactly this episode. Thank you so much for that. I love you all. I will be back next week.

Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-n-n-e-l-s-o-n. Coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.