Ep 214: Fear Isn't the Boss: Trusting Your Intuition During Divorce

Ever notice how fear seems to drive every decision during divorce? That gnawing feeling in your stomach that whispers you're ruining everything—your future, your children's lives, your finances—even when you know leaving is the right choice. This invisible force keeps you frozen, making decisions from a place of survival rather than authentic wisdom.

What if there was another way? What if you could acknowledge your fear without letting it control your choices?

When our nervous system remains in a constant state of high alert during divorce, we operate from our primitive brain, interpreting change as a threat to survival. This "functional freeze" makes us appear put-together on the outside while we're drowning inside, unable to access our deeper wisdom. The result? A life guided by fear rather than intention.

The secret lies in reconnecting with your intuition—that quiet voice within that knows exactly what you need, even when everyone else has an opinion. Courage isn't making fearless decisions; it's feeling terrified and moving forward anyway, trusting that inner compass to guide you home.

Self-trust develops through practicing self-compassion, getting curious about who you are at your core, and accepting all parts of yourself. When your brain, body, and intuition align, you physically feel the difference between decisions that are right for you and those that aren't. This knowing creates a foundation of peace that exists alongside fear rather than being consumed by it.

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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

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Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to Becoming you Again, episode number 214, and I am your host, karin Nelson. This is the podcast that helps you solidify your knowledge that divorce is the right decision for you. This is the podcast that helps you heal from the emotional rollercoaster that you're going through as you go through your divorce. I'm glad you're here. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world. Where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, as always, I am so happy to be here with you today.

If I were to ask you what the most prominent emotion that accompanies divorce is, what would you say? What do you experience the most? What do you feel the most? And I'm not talking about the thoughts that come along with divorce like oh, this is so hard, or it's so difficult moving on, or I don't know what to do with my kids because they're struggling so much or I'm feeling so lonely. I'm not talking about the thoughts, right, I'm talking about the one word emotion that you feel most often as you go through your divorce. What would it be? What would you say?

In my experience coaching women and from my own personal experience with my own divorce, I would say the most common emotion that women feel when we break it all down is fear. Fear is what most women are feeling most of the time as they go through their divorce, as they heal from their divorce. Even after their divorce is over, fear is what comes up the most. Now you might not recognize it as fear, because fear is tricky. Fear likes to hide behind lots of other emotions, but fear is typically the underlying emotion that is driving so much of what we do or don't do in our lives, and especially as we go through a divorce, because we feel fear of the future, fear of what this is going to do to the kids, fear of what kind of parenting relationship you and your ex or soon-to-be ex are going to have. Fear around finances. Fear around possibly having to move or whether you get to stay in the house, fear that you just weren't enough or that this was somehow your fault or that you should have done more to fix this. Fear that you'll be alone forever now that you'll be judged for getting divorced. Fear that people will think less of you. Fear that, even though you know you know this is the right decision for you that it's still going to fuck everything up from here on out, and that your life is now going to be ruined and your kids' lives are now going to be ruined, and your kids' lives are now going to be ruined. Fear that people are going to judge you as a being a bad mom because you're not with your kids all the time. Fear around not being with your kids all the time. Fear that you not being with your kids, being present with your kids, somehow makes you a bad mom, and on and on and on.

I could add to that list for days about the things that we fear as we go through divorce. And this is what's so infuriating about fear being the prevalent emotion that accompanies divorce. When we have fear, not only do we feel terrible, but when we have fear, not only do we feel terrible, because this kind of fear is different than that exhilarating fear that we sometimes have when we're flying or when we're going on a roller coaster or when we're doing something that's a little bit scary, but also we're kind of excited about it. Right, it's not that same kind of fear, that's different. This fear is debilitating at times. This fear is not just uncomfortable, but it's actually painful, physically painful sometimes, painful sometimes. This fear is the kind of fear that our primitive brain interprets as a threat to our survival, meaning it literally thinks that we are going to die and it needs to do something to protect us, to help us survive, so that we can continue on living.

When this happens, when that primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, gets activated, our nervous system response typically first kicks into fight or flight and it's like we got to do something. We're either going to fight our way out of this or we're going to run like hell because something is wrong and we got to get out of this situation. This is danger, danger, danger. And then, when the fear keeps happening over and over and over again and we can't stop the fear, when we are still so scared of everything that's to come, of everything that we're unsure about, of all of the unknowns Because we've been stuck in the fight or flight for so long.

What typically happens is we go to a freeze response, and a lot of times it's called a functional freeze, meaning you're still out there, living your life, you're getting shit done, you're doing all the things, but your body, your nervous system, is so overloaded with these emotions that haven't been processed through, that haven't been regulated, that the functional freeze kicks in and, yes, you're able to function in your life, but you are not able to support yourself in any kind of healthy way. You are not able to show up for yourself with your prefrontal cortex, making good decisions, planning, interpreting things in a way that is useful to you, using a lens that helps you be intentional in your life. You're able to get shit done, but you're not able to support yourself, heal or move on from any of the things that you're going through as you go through a divorce. You are stuck in this constant heightened nervous system response that could last for days. It could last for months. Sometimes, depending on your healing and the tools that you have at hand, it could even go on for years.

This fear keeps you from being able to make informed, intentional decisions because, instead of being able to make informed, intentional decisions, because, instead of being able to step into alignment with your brain, your body and your intuition, where you're able to make intuitive, aligned decisions for yourself. Instead, this fear is like a body armor that you're wearing that informs all of your decisions from a place of a false sense of survival, rather than true direction for you. Making decisions off of fear is only going to lead you to a return in your life that is full of more fear, more disconnection from yourself and more misalignment, leading you to a place that you do not want to be. So my goal in telling you this, in helping you recognize this, is that you will start to recognize the fear that you're feeling and then have the tools and know how to make decisions outside of that fear, or, if you can't get rid of it, which is totally okay, because I know exactly what you're going through I can't always get rid of my fear either but to be able to make decisions in spite of the fear, but decisions that are still aligned with your intuition, with your one true North, aren't led by the fear itself, but instead the fear is there, it's just in the passenger seat, and this, to me, is where courage steps in and takes over, because courage isn't deciding and moving forward with strength and there's no fear anywhere in sight.

That's not what courage means. And there's no fear anywhere in sight. That's not what courage means. Courage is deciding and then feeling the fear and doing it anyway. You cannot have courage without fear, but you don't let fear be in the driver's seat.

So how do we do that? How do we tap into our courageous selves and let fear come along for the ride, but not let it sit in the driver's seat as we go through a divorce? The answer is to reconnect to yourself. You need to be able to tap into your intuition. Your intuition is your ultimate true guide. It is the guide that is going to tell you what is best and right for you. Nobody else can tell you that. You're the one that, deep down, knows, truly knows what is best and right for you. And you need to learn how to reconnect with yourself so that you can tap into your intuition and trust yourself that you know it's in there somewhere. I promise you. You just have to learn how to tap into it. That happens when you are in alignment with your brain, your body and your intuition. And once you're in that space, that's where you're able to have the fear, but use the courage to move forward and create returns in your life, returns meaning like the things that you want, like having the experiences in your life and the situations and the circumstances in your life that are intentional, that you've chosen, that are headed into the direction that you want to be going, that are in your best interest. You'll be able to make decisions that align with your integrity, with your priorities, with your values, because you know you and you trust you. Priorities with your values, because you know you and you trust you. This is where you get to move toward the things that you want and away from the things that you don't want anymore. So I'm going to give you two examples from my own life where I was able to use courage in the face of fear and I was able to tap into my intuition as my guide. Fear and I was able to tap into my intuition as my guide. So the first time.

I've told this story many times, but it's probably one of the most important stories in my life because it was a huge changing point for me. But also it's one of the most important stories that I can tell always on this podcast, because it has to do directly with divorce and my decision to get divorced. So I was going back and forth. My ex and I we were married at the time. We were going back and forth on whether we should stay married, get divorced, what that means, how we should do it. Neither of us could come to a decision. We fought about it, and when I say fought, my ex and I didn't really fight. We had heated conversations. We had conversations where we were mean to each other with our words, but not typically with our voices. But anyway, we would have these conversations back and forth what we should do, what shouldn't we do, what do you want? Why do I want? I don't know? Blah, blah, blah. This is going to hurt, and all the things right, which. I'm sure many of you have had conversations like that. If not with your ex or your husband, you've had them with your friends or with yourself, even right. You're just not sure what you're going to do.

And I was tired of it. I wanted an answer. I didn't want to keep doing this forever, but I was scared. I was so, so scared about what it all meant and what people would think about me and what I would think about me and how things were going to be in the future, and if I'd be okay, and if my kids would be okay, and what my family, who's still very deeply had Mormon roots, would think of me, and what the neighbors would think and how I'd be able to move on. And all of it. All of the things kept coming into my brain.

And I was out on a walk one day, which was really one of the most healing things that I was doing for myself as I was going through this process of deciding what to do and sitting in this fear and letting fear guide me forever on what to do. But I was out on a walk and I just was tired of it all. I was tired of the fear, even of letting that be my guide, and I just asked myself what do you want, karen? What do you want? And I just gave myself permission for maybe the first time in my life I don't even know, but at least the first time in my life in a very long time to let everybody else's opinions of what they might think or how this might affect them go and just listen to me, listen to me and my intuition and let that guide. And my answer came immediately. It was strong, but it was also very peaceful. I knew I want a divorce and this is the right decision for me. I knew it. There was no denying that it was the right decision for me.

And so I went back to my husband later that day. I told him I wanted a divorce and he fought and he, you know, argued and said are you sure? I don't think this is right, I don't know if we should do this. And I said I know it's right, I know this is right for me and I can't answer for him. I couldn't answer him. I will never be able to answer for him or anyone else in my relationships or in my life. But I knew for me it was the right decision. And I had to lean on that knowledge, even through the fear, even when we told the kids and it was the scariest, hardest thing I've probably ever done Even when I had to figure out how I was going to pay the bills by myself moving forward, how I was going to deal with not seeing my kids half the time moving forward, how I was going to you know, deal with not seeing my kids half the time moving forward, how I was going to deal with all of the onlookers how I was going to deal with having to tell my family that I was getting divorced from this man who had been married to for 20 years, how I was going to deal with myself and trusting myself that I would be able to figure it out and move on in my life and create happiness and create moments where I felt solid and successful and supported. I had to do that all through fear, but I always came back to this knowledge that I know this is the right decision for me. So that's the first story that I want to share with you, and the second story just happened. A couple of weeks ago. It was actually like a month ago or maybe two now, but it was recently, much more recently than my divorce story was.

I had been thinking about going to a protest that was being held in my capital city and I had decided I'm going to a protest that was being held in my capital city and I had decided I'm going to go to the protest. I've never gone to a protest. This is important to me. I'm going to go. Nobody else that is in my sphere wanted to or could go, and so I was going to be going by myself and I went to bed the night that I had decided and I woke up the next morning. The protest was a couple of days from now.

I woke up the next morning and I was just feeling like really scared. I was feeling very, very scared and I I really like kind of gave into that fear and everybody who I had already told that I was going to the protest, I was like I'm actually I actually changed my mind. I'm not going to go. I'm scared, like with this political climate, I don't know if it's safe to go to a protest. I'm really nervous about what could happen if there's other people there who are, like you know, against what I'm protesting, and that's scary to me If there's police there, what if I get arrested? I was just very scared, very nervous. I didn't know what would happen. Being there by myself, I was just scared and I really let that fear take over and tell me you don't want to do this. This is scary. This could be your survival. You better not go just to keep yourself safe, right, which is a legitimate reason. I'm not saying that's bad or wrong to listen to that fear. I'm just saying in this moment I was letting it be my guide, and oftentimes we do it in times where it's not typically the best decision for us.

Okay, so a day went by or two, and it's like the day before the protest and I'm thinking about it. And the more I'm thinking about it, I'm just feeling so icky and crunchy and I'm like sitting in this fear and I'm sitting in this ick and I just keep thinking why do I feel so off? What is going on with me? Like, why do I just feel so like out of alignment with myself? And I just feel gross and icky. And again I had to just take a beat and really get still with myself and listen and I realized my intuition said maybe you better take another look at the reason why you're not going to the protest. And so I did.

I asked myself do you guys ask yourself questions and then actually let yourself answer? Like I'm just as I'm telling you the story? I'm wondering, like, how often do we actually like ask ourselves what do you want? What's going on here for you, and then give yourself permission to just be real instead of just like, oh, it's fine, it's not a big deal, just get over it, it's fine that you're feeling this way, like, yeah, it's totally fine that you're feeling this way, but also maybe there's something underneath it that you need to listen to. Do you let yourself do that? It's a question. Just think about it for a minute. So anyway, back to the story.

I asked myself what's going on here? Why are you feeling so icky? What is it that is driving your answer about not going to this protest, and is that what you truly want, about not going to this protest? And is that what you truly want? And again, the answer came quickly, swiftly, strongly but peaceful, and I knew it immediately. I want to go to this protest, and the reason I'm not going is because I'm scared, and I knew in that moment I did not want to live my life with fear as my guide. I did not want to make decisions based in fear Doesn't mean that I'm not going to feel fear. I'm still going to feel fear. I'm still going to be scared to do stuff, or scared about the future, or scared about these things, but I don't want that to be my guide when I make decisions. Sometimes I will. Sometimes I will still do this.

I am not perfect. I will never tell you that I am the perfect person, that you need to listen to everything that I say, because I am perfect in everything that I do. I will never say that because I know I'm not and that's not my goal. My goal is to do it as much as I can, as often as I can, which I know is not going to be all the time, and that's okay. But when I recognize it and when it's important to me and when I want to show up with courage rather than letting fear be in the driver's seat, I'm going to do it.

And so I knew I'm going to this protest and it's going to be scary a little bit and I'll figure it out, because I know how to support myself. I know how to take care of me. I can trust me to do what I need to do in moments where it's kind of scary. So I went to the protest. It was totally fine, it was a great experience and I was so glad that I did that. But what I was more proud of for me was that I didn't let fear be the guide to making my decisions.

I have learned to love myself enough that I allow myself to listen to what it is that I truly need in moments, and then I do my best to give that thing to me, and I don't mean, like the physical, I'm going to go buy myself, you know, the new pair of shoes or whatever. That's not what I mean by what I need in this moment. What I mean by what I need in this moment is the inner support, the love, the comfort, the compassion, the grace, the permission to do what it is that is going to support me and love me and help me through this. That is going to reconnect me to me. That's what I'm talking about. Do you know how to love yourself? How do you love yourself more? How do you lean into listening to and being guided by your intuition, rather than letting, rather than letting fear be your guide?

This is what I work with when I work with my clients one-on-one. We work on this kind of stuff all the time, almost every single week. We're working on how to reconnect to themselves, how to listen to themselves, how to be guided by their intuition, how to reconnect their brain, their body and their intuition. We work on curating and developing self-trust. We work on being more compassionate with themselves. We work on showing up and trusting themselves deeply enough to where their intuition flourishes and it acts as their guide.

If this is something that you don't know how to do, that you've been disconnected from yourself for so long that you are confused on how to do this, even if you know that your divorce is the right thing for you, or you want to know that it's the right thing for you, but you're not sure how to do this. Come to me. I can help you. I can help teach you these tools that I teach my clients and we work on every week, and these tools that I've taught myself, that I work on daily in my life. You can get better at it. You can heal. All you have to do is set up your free 30 minute consult with me. You can click the link in the description. You can go to my website. There's lots of places to find it, but self-trust that's the key, because self-trust is where you can literally feel into your body the difference between a decision that is right for you and a decision that feels off, a decision that feels icky, a decision that feels crunchy. A decision that feels icky, a decision that feels crunchy right. Self-trust is the key to everything. I can tell you all day long what I think you should do, but you're the one that has to decide if that is right for you. This is where self-trust comes in.

Self-trust is developed and cultivated by having self-compassion, and self-compassion is really hard if you've never done it before, if you've always been the mean driver, the mean girl in your head, telling you you're not good enough. Keep doing it, keep working, keep going yeah, that works sometimes, but also sometimes what you really. Yeah, that works sometimes, but also sometimes what you really truly need is compassion Compassion from yourself. Self-trust is developed and curated by getting curious about who you are at your core. Self-trust comes from accepting all of the parts of you, all of them. The parts of you that are incredible and that are amazing and full of love and full of light, and the parts of you that are judgy and rude and that makes mistakes and that isn't your best self.

How can you trust yourself a little bit more today? One way that you can do this is you can ask yourself what do I truly want, or what do I truly need in this moment, and then I want you to not base your answer off of what other people might think or what other people have told you or what other people might think or what other people have told you or what other people might be thinking about you or what society has told you that you should do. But I just want you to be open to listening to you and the answer from your deepest self, without judgment, whatever that answer might be, sit with that for a minute. Sit with that answer and see how you feel, because even if there is fear behind the answer, if it is in alignment with you and what's best and right for you, there will be a sense of knowing and you might have to listen for it. You might have to get better at recognizing it. That's okay.

The first few times we do things we're not very good at them, especially if we've never done them before. It's not a problem, doesn't mean that something's gone wrong. Just means we need to get better at it. The way that you feel this rightness for you it might be like similar to the way I feel it, which is like a knowing that is full of peace that just washes over me or yours might look different for you, but the more you feel it, the easier it gets to recognize it. When your brain, your body and your intuition are all in alignment, it gets easier for you to recognize the more you do it, and the more you can do that, the easier it is for you to show up in courage, even when you feel the fear.

You got this, I promise you. You got this, you can do this. You are capable. Your intuition is there. It's, I promise you. You got this, you can do this. You are capable. Your intuition is there. It's been with you your whole entire life. You've just forgotten how to connect to it, and that's okay. You just need to remember how to reconnect to it and let it be your guide. Go practice, get better at it. I love you all. You are amazing.

I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that, if I will be back next week weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoaching dot com. That's wwwkarinnelsoncoaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.