This week I'm answering Becky's Question.
Welcome to Friday Flip on the Becoming You Again podcast. Every Friday I take your divorce problems, conundrums and questions and do a quick flip around to empower you to show up as the best you after divorce.
Bitterness toward your ex may feel justified for a little while. The problem is, when you carry the bitterness around it makes you feel bad. Feeling bitterness toward your ex isn't making him want to apologize, change or be different in some way. All it's doing is making you feel terrible.
So what can you do to drop the bitterness toward your ex? Listen in as I help Becky understand why she hasn't been able to let go of the bitterness yet and what she can change to drop the bitterness she's carrying around.
Feeling bitter; carrying around hate; being angry at your ex - these all feel somewhat powerful in moments. The problem is that none of these feelings make you feel good in the long term. These emotions are corrosive and over time make you begin to feel miserable, heavy and lost. And on top of all of that - none of these emotions change your ex in any way. They only truly affect you. I can help you move past the bitterness, drop the hate and let go of the anger toward your ex. Not for his sake, but for yours. So you can start to feel better. Click here to schedule your complimentary consult with me to find out more.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome to Friday Flip on the Becoming You Again podcast. Every Friday I take your divorce problems, conundrums and questions and do a quick flip around to empower you to show up as the best you after divorce.
This week I’m helping Becky with her question.
She asks, “How do you get past deep bitter feelings towards an ex who cheated and the women he cheated with? They’re out living their happy ever after. I try to move past it but I find myself always thinking about it and feeling so angry and disgusted with both of them. How do I make these thoughts stop?”
Becky thanks so much for your question. I think this one probably resonates with a lot of women who have been cheated on by their ex-partners. Becky the reason you’re feeling bitter, angry and disgusted is because of the continuous thoughts you’re having about your ex. Sometimes we have thoughts that are kind of hidden in parentheses that are the real cause of our negative feelings. One thought you offered was that ‘they’re out living their happy ever after.’ And I would suggest that your thought in parentheses might be, and I’m the one that’s been left behind, or it’s completely not fair, or what about my happy ever after. When you believe this to be true and you continue to focus on his life and how perfect it must be, and how unfair it all is that he should get to be happy and you’re left behind - it makes total sense that you would be feeling bitterness toward your ex and his girlfriend. So the first step is recognizing that it all makes sense what is happening in your brain and in your body.
The next step is to redirect your focus and consciously choose where you want to focus instead. All of your focus right now is on him and how great his life must be, and notice that you’re completely discounting your life. What is great about your life now? Write out a list of 10-15 things. By redirecting the focus from him to you and really making your brain look for evidence that your life is great right now, you will begin to step away from the bitterness you have for you ex, because he won’t be taking up as much brain space because you will be focusing on you rather than on him.
And lastly I want to add that sometimes when I’m having a strong emotional reaction to something and I really can’t get to a place of refocus or get to a conscious thought that feels good what I’ll do is instead I’ll own where I’m at. without judgement. I’ll say something like, “Yep I’m feeling bitter because of the story I have about my ex and this is where I’m at right now.” Sometimes just owning where you’re at without judgement is going to help diffuse that strong emotional response that you’re having.
Thanks so much for your question Becky. I’ll talk to you next week.
That’s your Friday flip! Stay tuned for the weekly podcast episode that comes out every Monday. And remember if you want more one on one help from me as your divorce coach to help you create an even better life than when you were married, then you need to schedule your free consult with me by going to www.karinnelsoncoaching.com Remember that’s Karin with an ‘I’.