Ep #48: The Transformation of Divorce| Becoming You Again Podcast
Transformations only happen when there is a challenge of some kind involved. As Pema Chodron teaches, there's a balance to life - a yin and yang . Life will include pain, and that we actually agree to that pain by just living. But often we think we don't want the pain and challenge to be there. We want it to go away. We just want to be happy. But when we really take a look at it, that's not completely true.
We want there to be pain so that we can experience the contrast of the other side of pain. It’s the contrast that motivates us to evolve, to grow, and to transform. It's also the contrast that helps us define and understand what's on the other side of that negative emotion. Listen in as I explain a concept called the 50/50 of life and how we want to be open and accepting of both sides, the good positive 50 and the hard negative 50. In this episode you'll learn:
What is the 50/50 of life.
Understanding that we all agree to pain and why it's so important to open up to the challenging parts of life.
Why happiness all the time isn't the goal of being human.
What's truly possible when you open yourself up to allowing and processing the negative, hard emotions that we feel.
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List to the full episode:
You're tired of the pain and misery of divorce. It's hard, it's overwhelming and just for once you wish that it was your ex that felt any pain and heartache, instead of you. This thinking can seem important and useful, like it's going to move you through the pain of divorce quicker, but what's really happening is resistance of what is. I can teach you how to lean into what's going on, teach you to process the negative heavy emotions so they don't hurt nearly as bad and you actually create forward movement instead of feeling completely stuck where you're at. The first step is scheduling a time to talk to me and we'll come up with your individual plan. Click here to schedule your free discovery session with me.
Featured on this episode:
Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.
Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.
Want to know first hand how Karin can help you with your specific problems and create an even better life than when you were married? Click here to schedule a free consult.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome back to Becoming You Again. I’m your host Karin Nelson. I’m a certified divorce confidence coach and this is the podcast where I teach you how to reconnect with yourself, create emotional resiliency and live a truly independent life, so you can have an even better life than when you were married.
Hello my friends. Welcome back to Becoming You Again. This week I’m not going to lie, has been kind of a rough one for me. I’ve been feeling a lot of very uncomfortable emotions this week. Sometimes during this week I’ve really opened myself up to processing through them and other times I have not. I’m just going to lay it out there for you. Sometimes instead what I’ve done is opened myself up a Milka bar and tuned out everything that’s happening inside of me and turned on Hulu instead. I just wanted to tell you that because I want you to know that even though I am teaching you all of these tips and tools and things that really help you step into living your best life and being your best self and processing through emotions, it’s not always easy and I’m not perfect at it and I know it’s hard for you sometimes as well and I just want you to know that it’s okay. It’s okay to be human and to make mistakes and to not show up in the way that your perfect version of you would because we’re not perfect and we are not always going to do it right or do it the way we know we should.
So I want you to know that it is okay, number one. We can love ourselves through these moments and I also want you to know that even when I was going through this kind of rough week, emotional rough week, I also turned to my coach and she has been helping me work through this kind of funk that I have been in this week and I struggle with my thoughts just the same ways that you do and I struggle with wanting to try and avoid my emotions, especially those heavy kind of hard ones like shame and guilt, things like that. And this week has kind of been a little more challenging for me and it is okay and I am going to love myself through it because I know that I can always lean on me in that way.
Because of this it’s really been on my mind, this idea of a concept called 50/50 that I really want to introduce to you. I think I have mentioned it here and there in previous podcasts, but I want to dig a little deeper so that you have a better understanding of what this means and how this shows up in your life and if you will be open to it how I can really transform you as you move through your divorce.
There is this concept of life being 50/50 and when we can understand that and accept it, it will help us to be able to move through our divorce and not only through our divorce but using this concept and really leaning on it if it feels good to you can serve you for the rest of your life. It can allow for moments of a really deep growth and development for you.
Pema Chodron teaches a lot about this, right, she teaches about the balance of the life, like the yin and the yang. And she teaches that our life will include pain, and that we actually agree to that pain by just living. By having a life. By experiencing things. And we actually want there to be pain so that we can experience the contrast of the other side of pain. Because it’s in that contrast that motivates us to evolve, to grow, to develop and to transform.
I really want you to think about this. It is in those moments of pain and hurt and challenge where our growth actually come through. I often think about my divorce. If I hadn’t gone through that challenge of my life I really don’t think that I would be where I am today. I really don’t think I would be coaching. I mean for sure I wouldn’t be coaching other divorced women because I wouldn’t have that challenge of knowing what that feels like and what you go through when you go through a divorce to feel confident in coaching other women through it.
But I don’t even think that I would be an entrepreneur in the way that I am, in the way that I have showed up in my life if I hadn’t have gone through that challenge and how it molded me as a human being. How I have had to show up for myself, learn to love myself, learn to create confidence, learn to have my own back in so many ways that I didn’t know how to do before I went through my divorce. And so this is kind of that whole idea of pain is what molds us and shapes us and those challenges that we face in our life and so we want those to be there, even as painful and hard and you know as terrible as they are when we are going through them, we want that to be a part of her life, to be a part of our evolution, to grow into who we are becoming throughout our life, the better version of ourself if you will.
If our lives were always just happy and perfect and we always felt loved and everything was great all of the time, that would give us no reason to transform or evolve. It’s that contrast that opens us up to wanting and receiving something new, something different. Because if your life is always already complete then what is the point of trying to grow or evolve or expand, right? If there’s no negative emotion; then there is no point to wanting something new, something different, or seeking some kind of growth for yourself.
So this is where the concept of thinking about life, about your experiences that you’re have as 50/50; meaning 50% of the time life is going to be glorious, and amazing, and happy and feel really good and 50% of the time life is going to be hard, and it’s going to be negative and it’s going to suck. This is a concept that I learned from my mentor, but it’s just another way of saying that there is a yin and yang to life. There is opposite in all things. There is no happiness without the sad. It’s the actually the sad that makes happiness possible. And I believe that the more willing we are to accept the 50% that is negative when it shows up, that’s where the growth will happe