Ep #16: Dealing with Rejection | Becoming You Again Podcast
Why does rejection feel so terrible? Listen in as I teach you why and what you can do to feel better.
Rejection is a part of divorce. It feels terrible. Many of us spend far too much of our lives avoiding feeling rejected because we fear the pain and misery of this singular emotion.
In today's podcast episode I'm teaching you why rejection feels so terrible and what we can do to deal with rejection when it shows up in our lives after divorce.
If you are tired of feeling rejected constantly and you want to learn to like yourself and you want to treat yourself with kindness. If you are ready to really learn that you are valuable and you are worthy and that you matter, and if you’re tired of feeling sad and rejected and like you’re not good enough, then I really want you to take a minute and schedule your free consult with me by clicking here. Now is the perfect time to learn self acceptance and to stop feeling the pain of rejection after divorce.
What you'll learn from this episode:
Why rejection feels so terrible.
The two main ways rejection shows up in our lives.
Understanding the emotional response of rejection versus the mental response.
How to let go of the rejection and instead create acceptance and feel better now.
List to the full episode:
Featured on this episode:
Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.
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Want to know first hand how Karin can help you with your specific problems and create an even better life than when you were married? Click here to schedule a free consult.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome back to Becoming You Again. I’m your host Karin Nelson. I’m a certified divorce confidence coach and this is the podcast where I teach you how to reconnect with yourself, create emotional resiliency and live a truly independent life, so you can have an even better life than when you were married.
Hello my friends. I am so glad that you are back listening to another episode of Becoming You Again. I am enjoying creating these podcasts for y’all and I want to remind you that if you have not yet left a review or even followed me on your favorite podcasting app then I would encourage you to please follow me and leave a review if you find that you are getting some good value out of these. If you are finding that these podcasts are being helpful and even feel free to share it with your friends in your Facebook group that you like or somebody that you think might benefit from what we talk about here on this podcast because I am having so much fun putting out these podcasts and I would like to be able to get in front of as many people as I can help and I definitely need your help to be able to do that. So I appreciate when you comment and when a review and when you rate and when you follow and of course when you share. So thank you all for doing that in advance. I think you’re amazing and I am so glad that you are all here.
Today I wanted to talk about dealing with rejection because this is something that every one of us going through a divorce deals with, whether it’s someone actually saying the words, I don’t want to be with you anymore, or it’s finding out about an affair or a porn addiction or something like that and then we interpret that to mean that we’ve been rejected – that we’re not wanted. Since we’ve all felt rejection we know that it really doesn’t feel good. It actually is very painful and feels terrible and this is why we try to avoid feeling rejection as much as possible.
So let’s talk about rejection and why it feels so terrible and why we try to avoid it at all costs. Rejection is something that is in our DNA. This idea has been passed down from our ancestors who knew that rejection from the tribe literally meant death. I was listening to Kara Loewentheil’s podcast the other day and she was talking about how the first indication of civilization was a skeleton with a healed broken leg, because if you broke your leg and were left on your own, you’d for sure die. Right? That meant that you were not part of the community. You were left to die. Just like when and animal has a broken limb and they then becomes the prey. But that healed broken bone indicates that a group of people took care of the person when they were at their weakest and when they were immobilized, and then protected them long enough that that bone could heal and they could get back to their regular life. It was an act of acceptance into the tribe. So survival to our ancestors literally meant acceptance into the tribe and rejection literally meant death. It meant that you were left for dead. You were prey at that point. We have a part of our brain that was passed down through our DNA from our ancestors that is a part of our brain. It’s the part of our brain that is primitive. It’s primal, it’s habitual, and is focused on keeping us safe. So our primitive brain continues to equate survival to acceptance and rejection to death, even though in today’s world rejection doesn’t mean this at all. Right? If somebody tells you they don’t like you or they don’t want to be married you you’re not literally going to die. But our brain interprets it that way and that is why it feels so terrible emotionally to us. We feel like death inside. Right? That’s why we try to avoid it at all costs.
This is what’s happening when you go through a divorce. You’re feeling at times the rejection and it feels so heavy and so terrible because your brain is literally equating the end of this marriage with being kicked out of the tribe and being left for dead.
So I see this showing up in a couple of different ways during divorce. The first way is you get rejected by the other partner. They actually say they want a divorce. They don’t want to be married anymore. Something like that. And because this feels so terrible to you, you often will do anything you can to possibly fix the situation. You people please to try and appease their feelings. You beg to be taken back, to work on it for the sake of the kids or promise to be different or to change in some way. You stay in the relationship far longer than is good for you because the fear of rejection is so much worse than the pain and suffering you’re feeling in your marriage, that you’re willing to suffer this pain rather than risk feeling the pain of rejection.
And the other way I see this showing up is you stay emotionally attached to your ex long after the divorce has been final because you don’t want to allow yourself to feel the rejection. You stay in love with this person. You don’t allow yourself to let go and move on. You don’t open yourself up to dating or finding a new relationship because you think the rejection is too hard to handle. You don’t want to feel that again. And you still haven’t fully moved through it and you believe you can’t handle being rejected again and again. You have this habit, this pattern, of seeing that you were rejected by this one person so what is stopping the next person from doing that and the next person and the next person. And so you live the rest of your life doing everything possible to avoid rejection but it also means living small because of the fear of what you might feel if you open yourself up again.
And here’s what’s really going on in both of these situations. You believe that because you were rejected by someone else, the only way to fix this feeling of rejection is to be accepted by the person who did the rejecting. Because if they accept you again, then you’ll be able to stop feeling this terrible thing and everything will be back to normal. Everything will be ok. You’ve trained your brain to think and react this way. You’ve been predisposed to thinking this way in your DNA like I just talked about and through society as a whole conditioning women that we’re only worthy if other people tell us we are – and without their approval of our worth, then of course that means we’re worthless. And we think if I can just show up and be good enough for them, then they’ll accept me again and I don’t have to feel rejected any more. I can then once again feel worthy. If I continue to hold onto this love, then down the road when they realize that I’m still here waiting, maybe they’ll accept me again and I can stop feeling rejected and feel good enough and accepted again.
But I want you to know this and understand this. Really listen to me here. You don’t have to wait around for the other person to recognize their mistake or to change their mind or to tell you you’re worthy or you’re valuable or you’re good enough so that you can feel accepted. You can stop feeling rejected any time and you don’t need anyone else to change their behavior towards you to do it. The key to this is learning to change how you’re thinking about all of it so that you can feel accepted.