Ep 221: How Divorce Can Actually Be Good For Your Kids

Divorce guilt is one of the heaviest burdens mothers carry, particularly when it comes to our children. We're bombarded with messages about "staying together for the kids," research on divorce's negative impacts, and cultural narratives that paint divorced families as inherently damaged. But what if we've been looking at this all wrong?

In this episode, I challenge the notion that divorce harms children by offering four powerful ways divorce can actually benefit your kids. One of the profound gifts that I’ll cover is your children get access to the best version of you - a woman who honors her needs, maintains healthy boundaries, and models self-respect rather than self-abandonment. When you reconnect to your authentic self after divorce, you demonstrate for your children what healthy adulthood actually looks like.

Ready to release the burden of divorce guilt and embrace the positive impact your choices can have on your children? Listen now, and discover how reframing your divorce story can free both you and your children to create healthier, more authentic lives.

To download your FREE GUIDE: "What to Expect When Divorcing: The Ultimate Guide to Dealing with the Emotional Rollercoaster of Divorce" click here. 

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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.

Featured on this episode:

1. Interested in the Divorce Betrayal Transformation? Learn more here.

2. Are you lost and confused about who you are after divorce? Don't worry. I've got 51 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Again. Click here to download.

3. Want to work first hand with Karin so you can stop worrying about what your life will be like after divorce, and instead begin making it amazing today? Click here to schedule a consult to find out more about working 1:1 with Karin as your coach.

4. Haven't left a review yet? No problem. Click here to leave one.

Full Episode Transcript:

Karin Nelson: 0:00

This is Becoming you Again, the podcast helping you heal from your divorce and deal with the mental and emotional challenges you face so you can get on living the best of the rest of your life. I'm your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 221. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, I'm so happy you're here.

Karin Nelson: 0:50

Before I jump into today's podcast episode, I just want to ask, as my little plea to the audience that's listening, that comes back and listens and that sends me little messages and tells me how amazing this podcast is or how much this podcast is helping you or how much you're getting from it. I'm so, first of all, thank you. I'm so, so happy that this podcast is helping you. It makes my day and brings an enormous smile to my face when I hear those messages, when I meet with you, when I talk with you, all those things I think it's incredibly fantastic and amazing. I am doing this podcast to help as many women as possible change their lives, reconnect to themselves, understand how to listen to their intuition and to reconnect their brain, their body and their intuition so that they can go live an intuitively led, beautiful, amazing life that is best and right for them, for you, right. So that's why I'm doing this podcast and that is a really long way of asking if you will please take 10 seconds right now while you're on your app listening to the podcast and give me a rating. And if you're on Apple podcasts, you can even leave a review if that's feels great to you, but ratings are just amazing. If you're on Spotify, if you're on Apple, find the place where you'd leave the rating. I think on Spotify it's just at the top and I think on Apple you kind of have to scroll to the bottom. But either way, that would help me and the podcast out reach more and more women just like you, just like me, who need help getting through the divorce number one and healing from it and then moving on to live the best of the rest of their life, which is what I know every single one of you is trying to do, and I think that's amazing and I say keep going, because it's a journey, and I'm doing it too, and we're all just in this together. So thank you so much for doing that.

Karin Nelson: 2:45

Okay, let's jump in to this week's podcast episode. I think this one's going to be maybe kind of helpful for a lot of you, because if I hear one thing from any of my clients the majority of my clients and this is especially clients who have kids at home because not all of my clients have kids at home Like some of my clients are like me, and their kids are moved out of the house or they're at college or they're off, you know, launched, living their own lives, and so maybe this one won't resonate as much, but maybe it will, because you might be holding some of that underlying guilt that so many women feel as they go through a divorce or as they're healing from their divorce, or years later when they've moved on, and they still might feel some guilt of getting a divorce in terms of their kids. And was this the best decision for my kids? So I'm going to talk about how divorce can actually be good for your kids. We all know that divorce is good for us, right? Whether you asked for it or whether you were left, and then you later realize, oh, this actually was the best thing for me. But not all of us can say that that was the best decision for their kids. Sometimes we can get there.

Karin Nelson: 4:05

I 100% am there and have been there for a very long time, and I can say that because my divorce created an environment where my ex chose to become a better dad. Because of it, he chose to be much more present in their lives and spend time with them, and he actually had to be home for dinner or be present when he was in their presence and not just on his computer working or messaging or whatever. And he chose to do that, and I'm so, so, so happy that he chose to do that, because my kids have a really great relationship with their dad. They have a really great relationship with me and we co-parent amazingly. And so not saying that that happens for everyone, but it did in my divorce and so I know and there's other reasons why, and I'm going to talk about why it can be really good for your kids, but that is one of the reasons why I am fully on board that divorce can be amazing for kids just as amazing as it is for you in different ways, right? Okay, so let's talk about it. So the number one reason why I believe that divorce can actually be good for your kids is they get the best version of you, the best version of you, and what is the best version of you?

Karin Nelson: 5:33

That is the version of you. That is not putting yourself on the back burner for everyone else at all times. It's okay to do it at times, right, like, we have a role of being a mother on this earth. If you've chosen that oh, my kitties are meowing If you've chosen that role, you've decided to become a mother in whatever way, that happens for you, right? Then you have that role and it's totally okay for you to take on the role of being a mother and, like, put your kids before yourself, but not all the time. We don't want to completely lose ourself, which is what so many women do, myself included. We put ourselves on the back burner for everyone and everything, and we make sure that everyone's emotional comfort comes before ours, that everyone's emotional comfort comes before ours and it's not okay. That is not the best version of you when you're not taking care of you.

Karin Nelson: 6:33

The best version of you is the one that doesn't self-abandon Every time someone has an opinion other than your own and so you just go along with their opinion, just to either not make waves, to not make someone else feel comfortable, but then you feel completely uncomfortable. The best version of you is someone who actually makes time for herself and doesn't have to be all the time, but it is nice to at times make time for yourself, pays attention to herself. At times make time for yourself, pays attention to herself, doesn't self-abandon, trusts herself enough to speak up, to take up space, to be an example of how someone should be treated. The best version of you is connected to her brain, her body and her intuition in that triad, because when you are there, you are full of confidence, you step into your power, you use kindness rather than just being you and what is best and right for you, and when you are living into that space, that is the best version of you. When you are fulfilled and you are connected to yourself and you understand your worth is inherent and it is always full, and when you have self-love and you have compassion for yourself, you are in a far better position to be the present, loving, incredible mother that you want to be with your kids so that you can be in a place of openness and of love and of acceptance for them. That is the best version of you, and there's definitely women who can find that and do find that when they're married, and I think that's amazing and incredible.

Karin Nelson: 8:49

But my guess is, if you are listening to this podcast, you are not in a marriage where you are able to find that or create that. You're in a divorce, you're going through a divorce, you're thinking about a divorce. So this is the number one reason that I think divorce can actually be good for your kids, because it creates the catalyst for you to understand and become the best version of you, and you continue to become that every single day. It's not like, oh, I became her, I'm divorced now. I became her. One day I did it, yay. Like, yes, yay, let's celebrate the one day that you showed up as the best version of you, but let's not expect perfection. Right, we're going to keep striving. We're going to keep going because there's more to learn, there's more to understand about ourselves and that's beautiful and amazing and we just keep working at it. But your kids get the best version of you, which then you become the best version for them and that is the most beautiful thing, okay.

Karin Nelson: 9:59

The second reason why I think divorce can be really great for kids is very often you might be having your kids get out of a home that has constant friction, constant stress, constant anxiety, constant heightened nervous system levels, because there's a lot of conflict or animosity or hate or whatever. Right, maybe you're walking on eggshells all the time and they can feel it. Maybe you and your husband don't ever really communicate while you're in the home. Your kids can feel that, yes, the divorce is going to create some discomfort in everyone's lives in terms of emotional discomfort, uh, transitional discomfort, living discomfort, things like that. But the reason why we stay often is because we're used to it, not because it feels good, not because we like it, not because we're like, oh yeah, this is definitely my happiest environment. We stay because we're used to it, because it feels comfortable, and something outside of what feels comfortable, something outside of the unknown, feels very scary, because we don't know what it's going to be like. We don't know what it's going to be like we don't understand and our brain can't or doesn't want to comprehend that we can actually handle it.

Karin Nelson: 11:19

So getting your kids outside of a home that is full of that constant friction, where their nervous system and your nervous system is constantly heightened on that scale of one to 10 emotional regulation, their nervous system is like an eight or a nine on a daily basis and so is yours. That is so unhealthy for your body, for your brain, body and intuition connection. It's unhealthy for like digestion, it's unhealthy for other health reasons can have kids living in constant anxiety and worry. Tell me how that is good for your kids. If it's not good for you, it is also not good for your kids. So that is reason number two kids. So that is reason number two that divorce can actually be good for your kids.

Karin Nelson: 12:18

Because what happens when you get to be out of the presence of this other person in the relationship and that constant friction and tension and aggression and anger dissipates for you the majority of the time when before it was the majority of the time, you were feeling that way, right, and now it dissipates for you the majority of the time. And when you have your kids with you, what happens in that environment. There's more calm. You could create safety for yourself, which creates an environment for your kids to feel safe. They feel comfortable and able to be authentic, meaning you can open up and teach them that it's okay to have emotions, to feel emotions like sadness, like anger, like frustration, but then you're able to actually speak up and teach them how to process through or how to release those emotions without acting on them. Right, we can feel anger and we don't have to like unleash it on everything and everyone around us. That is behavior that's unacceptable.

Karin Nelson: 13:39

But you have now created an environment in the divorce where you can exemplify that, where you can teach your kids that and they can feel safe with you in being authentic, with how they feel. They don't have to people please anymore with you. They don't have to walk on eggshells. They can be authentically themselves in the same way that you can be authentically you, without the tension, without the worry of being judged or told to suck it up and not feel that way. You can teach them to be actual, good, amazing humans in your presence and you can't control what happens at the other person's house, at your ex's house, and that's not for you to control. That is for your kids to learn how to deal with. It's totally okay for your kids to learn on their own how to deal with discomfort, but you bring them back to your house when it's your time with them and you teach them tools through your example and through your environment that you're creating in your space. That's number two. Number three Hi, it's me, karen. That's number two. Number three hi, it's me, karen.

Karin Nelson: 14:55

I just wanted to pop in real quick and say that, as you know, I have been through the divorce process and I know that, even though you have tons of tools at your fingertips to give you the mental and emotional support you need, doing it alone is tough. So often we want to feel cared for, we want to talk about what's going on for us. We want people to see us and hear us and understand, but we don't want to feel like a burden to our family or friends. We don't want to always be questioned about what's happening or how things are progressing, but we also want space to be able to talk about it in certain moments without feeling pressure and without feeling judged. That's where I come in. I'm a life coach who specifically works with women going through divorce. When we work together. That means that you don't have to rely solely on yourself to know what tools to use every time a sticky situation arises. You don't have to feel like a burden to your friends and family every time you want to feel cared for while also wanting your space. You don't have to do your healing, your emotional processing or your decision-making all by yourself. I will be there to walk you through this healing process every step of the way. I offer a free 30-minute Zoom call. This call is a safe, comfortable space for you to show up and be heard and understood in a way that your family and friends just can't offer you right now. It's also a way for you to see that you don't have to do it all on your own. One of the things that we'll talk about on the call is what it would look like to work together further, and even if you decide you're not ready to continue working together, you will leave this call feeling supported, valued, comforted and seen. You will leave this call feeling transformed in some way, even if that transformation is that you feel emotionally a little bit better and more supported than you did before the call started. Schedule your free 30 minute call today by going to KarenNelsonCoachingcom, that's www. K-a-r-i-n-n-e-l-s-o-n. Coachingcom.

Karin Nelson: 17:07

Number three you're going to teach your kids that some things absolutely should not be tolerated, and this can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So you take that to mean what you will. I'm going to give you a couple of examples. This could mean how you are treated and how you do not allow people to treat you with contempt, to treat you disrespectfully, to talk down to you, to treat you like you're an idiot, whatever right. There's a lot of different ways that you can teach your kids that the way you are treated, there are some ways that are just not to be tolerated. You can teach your kids that it's not okay to give up on all of your wants and needs, that that's not an acceptable ask of someone to do.

Karin Nelson: 17:58

Women are taught as young girls in this society that we live in, that our job is to be giving and loving and nothing wrong with that. That's beautiful, but we take it because we are taught that that gives us our worth when we take care of other people, when we nurture, when we give to other people and make sure they're comfortable and make sure their needs are taken care of at all times, when we take that to the highest level and then we completely self-abandon us. That is not okay, because we also have wants and needs that are important, that are valid, that are valid, that are valuable and beautiful and that are okay to have. And when you get a divorce, oftentimes you can give those wants and needs to yourself, you can open yourself up to allowing those things to be part of your life, and you will teach your kids through example that giving up all of those wants and needs, self-abandoning, should not be tolerated, and so they shouldn't be doing it to themselves either as they grow up or expecting that of their partners. You are teaching your kids that one person should not be carrying the mental and emotional load and labor of everyone else in the household and that that should not be tolerated. You are being the example for your kids on what is okay and what is not okay, and they will take that example and go live their lives as they grow older. When you stay in a marriage where you carry the mental and emotional load for everyone else and you're managing everyone's emotions and making sure everybody's happy and you can't tolerate it if people are unhappy because you don't know what to do with that uncomfortable emotion. You are teaching your children that everyone should always be happy at all times, and that is a terrible message to teach your kids, because it's not true. That is not how humans are. We're not happy at all times and there's nothing wrong with that. Negative emotion is not bad or wrong, and nothing has gone wrong when we feel negative emotions. And so when you get divorced, very often you can teach your kids that it is not acceptable to tolerate expecting everyone's lives to be perfect and happy at all times, because they're not. That's an unrealistic expectation. So you're going to teach your kids and be the example to your kids of what is acceptable, how to be human, how to allow people to treat you, which then will teach them how to treat other people and how to allow people to treat themselves.

Karin Nelson: 21:17

The fourth reason why I think divorce can actually be good for kids. So I want you to think about it this way If it were your kids that were in a relationship, they were in a marriage and their marriage was like your marriage, like, let's say, it was your daughter, okay, and she got married and she's you can see it from the outside. Maybe she hasn't come to you, or maybe she has. Either way, you can see it, and it's a marriage like your marriage. What would you say to them? What would you say to her? Would you just be like, well, maybe you just suck it up because divorce is not an option? This is just not what we do. We just make it work, no matter what? Would you say that? Would you say you made a vow, you made a promise, you can't say no now, you can't change your mind. Or maybe you're like well, I don't really want people to judge me and believe that I'm a bad parent because I didn't teach my kid how to have good relationships, so I'll lose face. Or oh no, what will people say? Like, what would you tell them? I hope that you wouldn't tell them any of those things.

Karin Nelson: 22:35

Like, I was just watching the secret lives of Mormon wives. I don't know if you guys have watched this show. It's insane. It's so entertaining. I love reality TV so much. It's just like my go-to one. I really just want to like disconnect from life for a few minutes, and this show will get you there. And for me it's like especially like really juicy, because I was raised Mormon Right and so to see these younger women just living lives that like it's fun. But I do have to say there is definitely some parents of some of these young Mormon women who will say things like this and I understand why they're saying it and where it's coming from, whether they consciously know it or not. I understand it because I'm outside of the church, but it's 100% a thing that is done in the church. The church meaning the Mormon church. That's what everyone in Mormonism calls the church. They call it the church.

Karin Nelson: 23:39

But divorce is a bad word in the Mormon church. Divorce is like, yeah, it happens, but it's not very good. You're kind of judged Like this is bad, you didn't try hard enough. Oh, you must not be a very good woman to not keep your husband in line or to not keep him happy. You must not have tried hard enough, right? Divorces is really not an option. You just white knuckle it, you just figure it out, you just make it work, whether you're unhappy, whether there's infidelity, even if there's abuse.

Karin Nelson: 24:14

Oftentimes if you go to your bishop, who's like the leader of your congregation, and talk to him very often not all bishops will say this because there's not really a guideline on it they kind of just get to decide for themselves. But very often your bishop would say well, we're called of God to be families for eternity and if you break up this family then that's going to jeopardize your eternal salvation, so you probably should just stick it out. So I definitely know that there are people out there parents, mothers who would say just suck it up, just deal with it. But is that how you want to answer your children? Is that what you want to be saying to them someday?

Karin Nelson: 25:06

If they're in a relationship where there is complete unhappiness, where there is distrust, where there is abuse, would you tell them that they matter, that their worth matters, that their value matters, that their happiness, their wants, their needs and their desires matter? Would you want them to make their happiness and their wellbeing a priority or not? Because you are setting the example for your kids right now, in this moment, for your kids right now, in this moment. And if you're getting a divorce, that to me says that you would tell your kids you matter, you matter. Your happiness, your wellbeing, your wants, your needs, your desires. They matter. And if you don't want to be in this marriage, that's okay, because by you getting divorced or you accepting the idea of the divorce, right? Whichever reason you're going through divorce, you're telling them that you're sending that message, and that's an important message to send, and so I want you to kind of see that these four reasons of why divorce can actually be good for your kids.

Karin Nelson: 26:31

I want you to see that by reframing your divorce in these ways and looking at it in this way can actually help you let go of some of that divorce guilt that's directed at your kids. It can actually help mitigate that, because so often we feel that guilt of like I've fucked up their life, I've done it, I've ruined it, it's over for them, right? They're never going to have a great life now. They're never going to understand what a good relationship looks like. That's what our brain will tell us, right, because it's the examples that we see in the world. We read the statistics, we read the studies, we see the headlines, we see the movies where fucked up kids go into relationships in movies and then they're like, yeah, I blame my parents, they got divorced when I was four or something, right, and we see the terrible relationships and conflict conflict of co-parenting relationships all over the place, and so, of course, we have a story that this is going to be the worst thing for the kids and we should maybe just stay together for the kids. But it's so hard and it feels so bad and so we decide, okay, I'm going to get divorced. But then we feel terrible. We feel all of this guilt that we've still just ruined their lives and it's all our fault. And I'm telling you, these reframes can help you unwind from that guilt, can help you move through it. That is not a burden that you need to continue to carry that divorce guilt in terms of your kids.

Karin Nelson: 28:15

Will your kids feel some challenging, negative emotions because of the divorce? Yes, they will. And you know what? Even if you stayed married, they would still feel negative, challenging emotions Because there's no outrunning it. No human on this planet, no matter what the circumstances, can outrun negative, challenging emotions. It's just not possible. Negative, challenging emotions. It's just not possible. And you getting divorced won't take that away. But you getting divorced may give you the opportunity to teach them what to do with those negative, challenging emotions, how to process through them, how to deal with them, how to figure it out. You can be the example for them in so many ways and mitigate that divorce guilt that you might be feeling by reframing with these reasons of why divorce can actually be good for kids.

Karin Nelson: 29:20

All right, my friends, I hope that's helpful. If it is, of course, as always, share this podcast episode with somebody who might need to hear it, and I love you. Thank you for being here. You are worthy, you are amazing. I hope you know that I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening.

Karin Nelson: 29:41

I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoachingcom. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.