Ep #74: How To Stop Doubting Yourself After Divorce | Becoming You Again Podcast
Self doubt is very common amongst divorced women. There are many factors that influenced the conditioning of women to feel self doubt, and even as we are seeing an upward trend in the equality of women and men, the most important work to be done has to start with the individual woman and learning to believe in herself and her capabilities. In this episode I'll teach you three steps to take to stop doubting yourself after divorce so that you can show up with more confidence in your life.
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I know what it feels like to second guess every decision, even small ones like what to have for dinner. I've been that mom who cries herself to sleep after divorce because I'm so worried that I've made terrible decisions that have ruined my kids' lives and that I just don't have the capability to know what are the 'right' decisions and what are the 'wrong' ones. If you can relate to this, then you need to come work with me. Since my divorce six years ago I've learned the tools and techniques needed to make decisions confidently and to trust myself to know what's best for me and my kids. I can teach you how to build that confidence in yourself as well, so being confused about what to do in your life will be something that you used to do. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
I’m your host, Karin Nelson and you’re listening to Becoming You Again, episode number 74.
Welcome to becoming You Again. The podcast to help you with your mental and emotional wellbeing during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the trauma of your divorce by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so your life will be even better than when you were married. I’m your host Karin Nelson.
Hi friends. Welcome back. So sometimes before I jump into episodes I like to share what I’ve been up to in my life, or maybe a show or movie that I’ve watched or a book that I am reading that I think you might enjoy. And this time I wanted to share with you the book that I just finished reading. It is called The Midnight Library and it’s by Matt Haig. This book is such a good read. It is very easy. It is one of those books that you just start reading and you don’t want to put down because it is so engaging. It’s not very long. It’s just under 300 pages. I read it very quickly. It took me like two days may be to go through. But I think it is mostly because it is so intriguing and such a fun idea. Basically in a nutshell it’s about a woman named Nora who is really unhappy in her life and it seems like everything is going wrong for her. She feels disconnected from herself. Very disconnected from her life, her relationships, and pretty much everything that she sees about her life and the way she kind of interprets the things that have happened to her in her life is that everything has gone wrong. But the twist is that her life really begins to change when she enters the Midnight Library and gets to see and experience her life in many different ways where if she had just made one decision differently. One teeny tiny decision, when major decision, it doesn’t matter but it kind of goes into this multi-verse of possibilities of what her life could have been were she to just make one different decision and she gets to go into those lives and kind of experience that and see what her life would be like. I think this is such an interesting idea and it makes this book really, really good because this is something that we do as humans, but especially as divorced women. Right. We like to play the if only card all the time. We like to think about our past choices and how if we had just done this one thing different media our life would look different, feel different, we would be different in such a different way, a better way. Right. Or we think about the things that we might have missed out on or we think about our regrets and how we should have, could have, would have and then our life would be so much better. And this book kind of takes that idea and questions it and kind of present the truth in a way that is very enlightening. So if you’re looking for a good book to read, try this one out. It’s The Midnight Library. It’s by Matt Haig. I loved it, and I think you might like it too.
Okay so onto today’s topic, how to stop doubting yourself after divorce. Self doubt is very common amongst divorced women. Right. There are many different factors that can go in to conditioning you as a woman that create that self-doubt like things like where you were raised, the experience that you had, if you were raised in a high demand religion like I was being raised a Mormon, and even just growing up in western society where there is a system of patriarchy that is woven into our framework as a society, as a culture. And all of these things and even more that I have not mentioned have contributed to the conditioning of you as a woman. Of you doubting yourself. Of you making choices. Of you not feeling capable responsible were able to live a life after divorce that is good, that is what you wanted to be, that is created in a way that you feel good about.
For example, it wasn’t until the 1974 thanks to the work of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the passing of the Equal Credit Opportunity Act that women could finally be able to open their own credit card. We could apply for loans. We could have a mortgage in our name, on our own, and we could do those things without needing our husband’s permission. But before 1974 that was not a thing. You needed your husband to say that you could do those things on your own. You could have a bank account, I think it was the 1960s, that you could have a bank account but there were still banks out there that required a husband’s permission or signature to say that you could have that account. So thankfully things are changing for women. Right. We are being looked at as more equal to him and though we are not fully there yet. Things are still changing and it is good. We are moving in an upward trend, an upward direction but there is still more work to do. And we have to start with ourselves on learning to create that self confidence, that self belief, that self capability and really learning to step into letting go of this self-doubt that has been woven into our human experience as women who have grown up in this Western society, in this Western culture. So I want to kind of do my part in teaching you that that is not true and that we can start to break down that story and let go of that story and feel more capable, feel more confident really stepping into knowing that you are valuable and worthy of the human, just as much as a man is to create and live a great life. You also are capable of doing that as well after divorce. So I’m going to walk you through three steps that I think are going to help you drop that self-doubt when it comes to living your life after divorce.
Step one is to learn to manage your thinking. This is what I teach you in this podcast. This is literally basically every single podcast episode, the underlying theme is is to take control of your own mind. The more you can be intentional in your choices and intentionally what you want to think, that is going to create feelings inside of you like self-confidence, like determination, like feeling empowered that is going to have you showing up in a different way and will create a completely different experience for you. It’s the number one thing that I teach you on this podcast. It is the number one thing that I teach my clients when we work together one on one. And it’s a skill that I believe will serve every human being the most as we go throughout our human existence.
A managed mind or learning to be disciplined in your thinking means that you are consciously choosing thoughts to think that are going to serve you in certain situations. Most of the time you don’t need to be paying attention to your thoughts and you can kind of let your brain do what it does best which is go on autopilot. But there will be certain times and situations where you want to show up for yourself, for your benefit, to help you feel better and act in a way that serves you and that is always going to start by intentionally choosing how you want to think. And this comes into play espe